Maria Theresa: Tank

I believe this is about as accurate as any portrait of Her
Majesty.

Maria Theresa was born on May 13, 1717 as the eldest daughter of Holy Roman Emperor Charles VI and Empress Elizabeth. Her birth followed the death of their eldest, a beloved son who had died as a young child.

I can't decide if she was adorable or terrifying
as a baby. Maybe it's just the angle.

Fun fact: she was one of the few members of the European ruling class that were not hideously inbred because neither her parents nor her grandparents were closely related. Holla! Unfortunately, her birth was kind of a downer for her father because of her gender; all the guy wanted was a son (and Spain, but that's neither here nor there).

Maria Theresa was a cute, smart,
and relatively non-inbred girl.
Her contemporaries described her
as being physically fit,
strong of mind, and pretty
of visage. 

Her education was strange; schooled by Jesuits, she was a crackerjack Latin speaker/writer/reader, but her punctuation and formal speech were found lacking by her contemporaries. She loved singing and acting in plays and operas conducted by her father. She was also an excellent archer, which had little practical applicability but made her look pretty hardcore. Of course, she was also schooled in girly things like etiquette, drawing, and dancing.

From the age of 14 onwards, her father allowed her to sit in on meetings of the council; she apparently enjoyed this privilege, but her father refused to speak to her about matters of state.

After Maria Theresa, Empress Elizabeth gave birth to two more girls; by this point, the emperor had reached a full-blown panic. He needed a son to secure the line of succession; however, fate had other plans.

Once it became evident that the empress wasn't going to pop out a son anytime soon, Emperor Charles VI started making plans, beginning with the Pragmatic Sanction. This royal act overruled the Salic Law (which prohibited a woman from inheriting her kingdom from her father) and would allow Maria Theresa to take the throne after her father's death.

And then there was the whole marriage conundrum. This woman was set to inherit one of (if not the) largest and most profitable empires in the world. Who would be her husband? Even more importantly,  who had enough connections to take this fab lady's hand in marriage and few enough to warrant a power shift in Europe? If Europe hates one thing, it's an imbalance of power. A myriad of negotiations ensued, and eventually the courts and salons of Europe decided on a guy named Francis Stephen, the duke of Lorraine.

The happy couple.

Maria Theresa was lucky in this aspect- she got to marry for love. Their marriage is considered a a success (mostly because Francis backed off and let Maria Theresa do her thang); together, they had  SIXTEEN children- 5 sons and 11 daughters (one of whom being the infamous Marie Antoinette). Three of these children died in infancy. Despite the fact that Francis was unfaithful for much of their marriage, it is remembered as a happy one.

Yes, the veritable crowd in the background
consists only of her children.

Anyways, back to politics. Her father died in 1740, leaving 23-year-old Maria Theresa the throne. The subjects of her crown lands (Austrian duchies, Hungary, Bohemia, etc.) quickly accepted her as their ruler. The rest of Europe basically had a gigantic temper tantrum.

Under Frederick II (King of Prussia), the rest of Europe formed a coalition against the new empress of the Holy Roman Empire. Prussia invaded Silesia (an Austrian province) and claimed it for their own. Bavaria and France jumped in and attacked other Habsburg territories, resulting in a huge 8-year European conflict known as the War of Austrian Succession. Considering that the war began when Maria Theresa had only been queen for a month and a half (with little political experience), the Holy Roman Empire escaped the war relatively unscathed, although they did lose Silesia to Prussia and a couple Italian territories to France.

Once the war ended, Maria Theresa could finally focus on internal affairs. She centralized power from her territories, thus beefing up her army AND her pocketbook. She also steamrolled over several corrupt and defunct government functions, combining them into the centralized General Directory.

With newly increased revenue from her domestic reforms, Maria Theresa was able to strengthen defense efforts; despite the fact that it was peacetime, she knew that she needed to prepare for the inevitable war with Frederick II (you know, because he was kind of a warmongering jerk). She also managed to secure an alliance with her old enemy, France, by marrying off her young daughter, Maria Antonia (later known as Marie Antoinette) to the dauphin (the heir) of France. This keen move ticked off Frederick II, who had planned on counting France as an ally for his upcoming war. He fumed as Maria Theresa laughed from her sumptuous palace.

Frederick II decided to continue his warmongering ways and again waged war against the great empress. To her dying breath, Maria Theresa claimed that she would have gone into battle herself had she not been continuously pregnant. Becoming known as the Seven Years War, this conflict ended at the death of Empress Elisabeth of Russia (another kick-butt female monarch), one of Maria Theresa's greatest allies. When Elisabeth died, Russia withdrew. The war ended in a peace treaty in 1763.

Unfortunately, in 1765, tragedy struck. Maria Theresa's beloved husband, Francis, died. His death hit her so hard that she wore only black for the rest of her life as a sign of her mourning.

Two years later, Maria Theresa contracted smallpox from her daughter-in-law, Maria Josepha of Bavaria. She survived, but her daughter-in-law did not. Maria Theresa took one of her daughters (who also happened to be named Maria Josepha) to pray at the Imperial Crypt near the unsealed tomb of the deceased Maria Josepha. Maria Theresa's daughter contracted smallpox (most assume from the dead body of her sister-in-law) two days after and died; Maria Theresa believed it to be her fault and never forgave herself.

Maria Theresa is remembered as being an...interesting mother. Basically, if you were one of her favorite children, she allowed you to marry for love (i.e. Maria Cristina). If you weren't, you were a political pawn to be married to whomever best served Maria Theresa's interests at the time, even if you were miserable (i.e. all of her other children). She was a devoted yet highly critical mother; she wrote to her each of her children at least once a week. To some of the more disappointing children, she wrote even more often (i.e. Marie Antoinette, who she criticized for being "lazy," "frivolous," and seemingly "unable to conceive of a child."). This criticism wasn't exclusively given to Marie Antoinette; she reprimanded every single one of her daughters (even her favorite, Maria Cristina) for not being fertile enough.

After the death of her husband, her eldest son, Joseph II, became her co-regent. Unfortunately, the two clashed on nearly everything. She was highly conservative; he flirted with the ideals of the Enlightenment. They bickered and fought; both threatened to abdicate on numerous occasions. However, the rule of these two served as a transition period between the "old ways" of Maria Theresa and the "Enlightened" despotism of Joseph II after her death.

She died on November 28, 1780 at the age of 63. With her died the House of Habsburg, to be replaced by her son's House of Habsburg-Lorraine. Maria Theresa left behind a revitalized and stabilized empire that influenced Europe for the whole of the next century.

At her death, her full title was: (*deep breath*)

The burial crypt shared by Maria Theresa and
her beloved husband.

Maria Theresa, by the Grace of God, Dowager Empress of the Romans, Queen of Hungary, of Bohemia, of Dalmatia, of Croatia, of Slavonia, of Galicia, of Lodomeria, etc.; Archduchess of Austria; Duchess of Burgundy, of Styria, of Carinthia and of Carniola; Grand Princess of Transylvania; Margravine of Moravia; Duchess of Brabant, of Limburg, of Luxemburg, of Guelders, of Württemberg, of Upper and Lower Silesia, of Milan, of Mantua, of Parma, of Piacenza, of Guastalla, of Auschwitz and of Zator; Princess of Swabia; Princely Countess of Habsburg, of Flanders, of Tyrol, of Hainault, of Kyburg, of Gorizia and of Gradisca; Margravine of Burgau, of Upper and Lower Lusatia; Countess of Namur; Lady of the Wendish Mark and of Mechlin; Dowager Duchess of Lorraine and Bar, Dowager Grand Duchess of Tuscany.

Mary I: Bloody Mary

Once again, the term "Killing Machines" comes into play.

Remembered for being perpetually cranky and ill-suited to public life, Mary I ruled England for five years and was succeeded by her younger sister, Elizabeth, who turned out to be one of the greatest rulers of English history. Unfortunately, Mary's legacy isn't quite as reputable. Rather, her story is unhappy, dreary, and miserable.

Initially, Mary's childhood was perfect. She was the only child- a true princess- of King Henry VIII and his wife, Catherine of Aragon. She had everything a little girl could want (including several palaces, an unlimited budget, and a closet stuffed full of sparkly dresses). She was precocious in her education; by the age of nine, she could fluently speak, read, and write in English (her native tongue), Spanish (her mother's native tongue), French, Latin, and Greek. Everything was perfect- except one thing. Her father had no heir, Catherine was growing older, and Henry's eyes were wandering.

Henry VIII fell in love with Anne Boleyn, known as the "Great Whore" of England. Although he had had several affairs previously (and had several illegitimate children to prove it), Anne was an anomaly. She refused to sleep with Henry until he had married her, although not for any moral intentions, I can assure you. Above all else, this woman wanted to be queen. Unfortunately, England already had a queen, Mary's mother, Queen Catherine. Since Henry hadn't yet thought of killing off his current wife (emphasis on yet), he decided to divorce her. Unfortunately, the pope wouldn't annul the marriage for a number of political and religious reasons. Political disputes ensued, eventually leading to Henry's break from the Catholic Church. He declared himself head of the Church of England (creating Anglicanism), annulled his marriage to Catherine, sent her off to live in a dank castle in seclusion, and married Anne (who eventually became the mother of the aforementioned Elizabeth).

Catherine of Aragon (Mary's
mother/Henry's first wife)

Anne Boleyn (The "Great Whore"/
Henry's second wife/mother of Elizabeth)

Of course, this whole shebang took its toll on Mary. Just reaching her teenage years, Mary was demoted from "Princess Mary" to "Lady Mary." Her household, servants, home, and titles (in short, everything and everyone she had ever known) were dissolved. Everything she had previously laid claim to became Elizabeth's, her new half sister. Naturally, Mary hated Anne Boleyn with a burning passion. After all, this was the woman who had stolen her mother, her legitimacy- her life- away from her. Anne treated Mary horribly, forcing her to act as a servant to her infant daughter, Elizabeth. She put Mary in the worst living quarters, resulting in frequent ill health, and refused to allow Mary to see her mother, even as Catherine laid on her deathbed. Imagine- being a teenager, knowing that your mother was dying alone, and being unable to help or be with her. Excruciating. According to reports, upon hearing the news of her mother's death, Mary burst into tears and remained "inconsolable" for days.

Young Mary

Despite these challenges, Mary rebelled in her own ways. She took after her Spanish mother in being an extremely devout Roman Catholic. She refused to acknowledge her father (you know, one of the most powerful men in the world) as the supreme head of the Church. She also refused to address Anne as queen or Elizabeth as princess, further inciting Henry's anger. Mary and her father did not speak for three years. Following Anne's fall from power and execution, the relationship between Mary and Henry resumed, thanks to Henry's new wife, Jane Seymour. Jane is remembered for being the kindest of Henry's wives and convinced Henry to reinstate Mary (and the newly illegitimate toddler, Elizabeth) as princesses. Despite Mary's attempts to keep with her conscience, she was forced to sign a document recognizing three themes: 1) Henry as head of the Church rather than the pope, 2) The illegitimacy of Henry and Catherine's marriage, and 3) Her own illegitimacy. In reconciling with her father, Mary remained "Lady Mary" but reclaimed a place at court, complete with a household of her own.

Henry VIII (D-bag with six wives
and nice calves)

Unfortunately, this somewhat happier time didn't last; Queen Jane died after the birth of her son, Edward. Finally, the heir and prince Henry had desired for so long. However, the kindness of Jane's era was gone. In 1541, following a Catholic rebellion, Henry executed the Countess of Salisbury, Mary's old governess and godmother, under the pretext that she had been involved in the plot. The executioner (a "wretched and blundering youth") is reported to have "literally hacked her head and shoulders to pieces." Mary was forced to watch the whole miserable affair.
Two wives later (one of whom was seven years younger than Mary), Henry married his sixth and final wife, Catherine Parr. She was kind and managed to bring the family together before Henry's death in 1547.

Ten-year-old Edward was crowned king. Although young, Edward was strong in his Protestant convictions. Mary repeatedly refused Edward's attempts to convert her to Protestantism (often illegally holding Mass in her estate) and mainly stayed out of his way. He died in 1553 at the age of 15 of a lung disease resembling tuberculosis.

This is where tensions begin to heat up.

Mary, being the daughter of Henry VIII, should have been next in line for the throne; instead, Lady Jane Grey (who had a distant claim to the crown) was given the throne for two reasons: She was Protestant, and she could be used as a puppet (especially for her pushy in-laws).

Mary had a lot of support from the people of England; she used this influence to stir up a Catholic rebellion of sorts and successfully depose and behead Lady (now Queen) Jane, who had only been queen for nine days.

The "merciful" beheading of Lady Jane Grey

Mary was crowned queen in 1553. Unfortunately, her reign released a lot of the pent-up anger she had contained for decades. Most of her rage was targeted towards non-Catholics, and she burned over  280 Protestant heretics at the stake during her five-year reign. Some 800 wealthy Protestants chose exile over being burned alive (a no-brainer) and moved abroad. Those "heretics" were those who refused to abandon Protestantism (including ex-Queen Jane).

Public opinion of Mary did a complete 180 degree flip. She went from being the princess of the people to a hated ruler. I mean, killing off tons of people for their faith isn't really endearing to the common man. Not to mention the religious turmoil of previous monarchs- having to switch from being Catholic for centuries before Henry VIII's little temper tantrum to being Protestant in name only (keeping basically all Catholic traditions) for the last half of Henry's reign to super-duper-actual Protestant under Edward and Jane AND THEN BACK TO SUPER-DUPER CATHOLIC UNDER THREAT OF DEATH FROM MARY. (Spoiler- they go back to being mildly Protestant under Elizabeth, but there's less fighting between Catholics and Protestants because of her kick-butt compromise)

Mary also made an extremely unpopular mistake- Not only did she marry a militant Catholic, but she married a Spanish militant Catholic. Also, his name was Philip, and that made a lot of people uncomfortable. England and Spain have never been particularly sympatico, but this just pushed the English people over the edge.

Philip II. Dem calves.

*FUN DEFINITION TIME BREAK*

Militant Catholicism was a phenomenon that occurred when radical Catholic believers overthrew ruling Protestant leaders and doctrines OR when "Catholic" leaders used Catholicism to justify inhumane acts against other human beings.
(In other words, it's got a lot to do with politics and barely anything to do with actual Catholicism.)

*END FUN DEFINITION TIME BREAK*

So yeah, Prince Philip of Spain became Mary's consort (not king). The two of them attempted to re-establish Catholicism as the religion of the masses through violence and brutality. To a certain extent, it worked, but it also earned them the absolute hatred of the people.

Yeah, this marriage never should have happened.

A minor speed bump occurred when Mary stopped menstruating in 1554. She gained weight, she got nauseous, and she exhibited all other symptoms of pregnancy. However, nine months later, no baby came. The symptoms ceased after a year of "pregnancy." Mary considered this false pregnancy a punishment from God for being too merciful to the aforementioned heretics and fell into a deep depression.

Her marriage suffered; she was deeply in love with Philip, but he wasn't all that into her. She was significantly older than him, cranky, and not all that attractive. In fact, it is reported that Philip was infatuated with Elizabeth. Mary already hated Elizabeth because she continued to practice Protestantism (not to mention the whole incident with their mothers), but the fact that her beloved husband was actively rooting for her death so that he could marry her baby sister was too much.

Mary finally died in 1558 after yet another false pregnancy. Before her death, she was forced to accept Elizabeth as her rightful heir. Philip did pursue Elizabeth as a wife, but Elizabeth was grossed out and refused, as she did with all her suitors.

She is remembered as Bloody Mary, a cruel and intolerant woman who killed great numbers of her own people. However, she was a woman who bore the scars of a battered and broken childhood, and it would be unfair not to take this aspect of her life into consideration.

Jahanara: Empress of Princesses

In an era in which women of her station were forced to hide behind walls (literally), the intelligence and absolute butt-kicking talent of this princess of the Mughal Empire stood out from the rest.



Also, her parents have the cutest dang love story of ever. So Imma tell it to you, even though it's not necessarily relevant. BEGIN. So, back in those days in India, the women of the court stayed in seclusion. Once a year, during a court festival called the Nine Days' Bazaar, the women of the harem came out (albeit heavily veiled) and ran the stalls at the bazaar, selling cutsy things like turbans and instruments. One of these little ladies was named Arjumand; she was the niece of the empress and a total catch. The prince of India named Khurram happened to be walking past her stall, and it was love at first sight. Even though he already had two wives (one was cranky and mean, and the other was a pretty chill Hindu chick), Arjumand was always his favorite wife.


Lookit how cute they are! I ship it.


So, getting back to something relevant- The emperor at the time (Jahanara's grandpa) was pretty senile, and his wife, Nur Jahan, pretty much controlled everything. This would've been all fine and dandy if Nur Jahan had been a decent human being. But nope, no such luck. A family rebellion exploded, Prince Khurram was exiled to the Deccan, his two eldest sons were kidnapped by the vile Nur Jahan, yada yada yada- and that's where our dear princess was born. Jahanara grew up as a super-mega-ultra posh nomad with her parents (and stepmamas) and siblings. She and her family moved around the Deccan, which was pretty much a wasteland (think the Indian version of Indiana, except with less agriculture). They lived in gigantic tents, drank from gold goblets, and had the finest clothes.

This all changed when her incredibly senile grandfather died died in October of 1627. As next in line to the throne, Khurram took the opportunity to move his family to the royal compounds at Fatehpur Sikri.
A legend claims that Khurram faked his own death by drinking goat's blood and spitting it up very graphically- basically faking his own death to make it seem like he wasn't a threat to the throne. Only his closest accomplices, including Arjumand, knew he still lived. Jahanara had to grieve for a few days, believing her dear father was dead. However, when the entourage reached the palace at Fatehpur Sikri, Khurram literally stood up from the funeral pyre and declared himself emperor of the entire Mughal Empire. Pretty cray, right?

He ordered all other competitors to the throne- including his own brother- executed, had Nur Jahan brought to his palace to be watched since she was one dangerous granny, and set about to restore the royal compounds. He became Shah Jahan, meaning "king of the world." His beautiful wife Arjumand became Mumtaz Mahal, which can be roughly translated as "crown beauty of the palace", and Jahanara inherited the prestigious title of Begum Sahib, Princess of Princesses. In other words, she became one of the most powerful women at court at the age of 14.

From this point on, Jahanara lived a life of complete luxury. Her rooms (which can still be seen today, although with slightly less splendor) were literally bejeweled. Rubies, sapphires, emeralds, and diamonds were quite literally built into the walls to create large flower designs. Tons of precious jewels were set into the marble floors and even into her own gigantic swimming pool in order to refract light underwater in an aesthetically pleasing way.


The doorway to Jahanara's room. In her day, each crevice on the wall would be filled with an individually carved jewel.


The palace of Fatehpur Sikri today.

Jahanara had the opportunity to be educated extremely well, especially in comparison with her European counterparts. She became a skilled poet, painter, architect, mathematician, philosopher, and engineer.

Unfortunately, in 1631, Jahanara's mother- Shah Jahan's most beloved wife, Mumtaz Mahal- died giving birth to her fourteenth child. It's madness. Fourteen dang kids. With no anesthetic. Mad respect for that woman.



Shah Jahan completely shut down after the death of his wife. The entire court went into mourning for what seemed like ages. He built the entire Taj Mahal as a final resting place for his wife; Jahanara actually helped with its design. Legend has it that Shah Jahan ordered that the hands of the builders were to be cut off so that they would never again be able to create something as beautiful. Weirdly sweet, huh?



As her father's favorite daughter, Jahanara pretty much singlehandedly pulled her father out of a deep depression and ruled by his side as the uncrowned empress of India. At one point, while attending a garden party, her heavily perfumed clothing caught on fire, burning her badly. Her father nursed her back to health, although it took months to do so.

Her father fell ill, and four brothers (three good, one bad) fought each other for the throne. Of course, by a cruel twist of fate, the one bad egg out of the bunch triumphed. His name was Aurangzeb, and he was a despotic, chauvinistic, and bigoted d-bag. He murdered two of his brothers (the third one fled and died of mysterious causes) and imprisoned his dying father (granted, he imprisoned him in a lavish palace, so it wasn't so bad). Jahanara cared for Shah Jahan in his dying hours.

Aurangzeb's reign was problematic, to say the least. Harem women were even more secluded than before, and Christians, Hindus, and any other non-Muslim individuals were tortured and persecuted.


What a dirtbag.

However, Jahanara was allowed certain privileges. She became the Padishah Begum-"Empress of Princesses"- under Aurangzeb's orders. With this title, Jahanara was permitted to disobey Aurangzeb's laws and criticize him. She blatantly wore clothing that women were no longer allowed to wear, refused to stay behind the screens of the harem, and embraced Hindus and Christians as her equals.

No one truly knows what Jahanara did in her final years. She did leave the royal palaces, lived in Delhi for the rest of her life, and commissioned several large and ornate structures, many of which still survive today. She never married, in accordance with the law of her forefathers- Mughal princesses were never allowed to wed. She composed many poems, painted, and continued the work of her parents in an artistic and architectural sense. 

Jahanara died at the age of 67 in 1681. She had few personal possessions (you know, besides some clothes and extremely rare, prized jewels), which were left to her beloved niece. Aurangzeb ruled for another 26 years and is remembered for his cruelty, inhumanity, and bigotry. Jahanara, on the other hand, is still remembered by her people as a woman who had many powers in a time when women had few freedoms. 

Cleopatra: Snakes and Inbreeding

We've all heard of the great Cleopatra, but how much of what we've heard is true?

The woman's been portrayed for centuries in just about every medium possible (and with just about every face possible, too). She's been blonde, brunette, green-eyed, brown-eyed, African, Greek, frumpy, and sexy. Who really was she?


Scholars still debate what she looked like. Some justify a blonde-haired, blue-eyed aesthetic with her strong Macedonian ancestry. Others claim that she looked similar to Egyptians of the day with tanned skin and dark hair and eyes.

Cleopatra VII was born in 69 BC and died in 30 BC. Little is known about her early years. She was born to Ptolemy XII Neos Dionysos (quite the name, I know), who ruled Egypt from 80 BC until his death in 51 BC. He was a raging alcoholic (hence his dedication to Dionysos, the god of wine, and his nickname, Aelutes, because he pulled out flutes and played whenever he got hammered) and a mediocre statesman. The identity of her mother is not known for certain, but most historians agree that she was Cleopatra Tryphaena V, one of Ptolemy's wives. Who also happened to be his sister. So yeah, inbreeding.

Cleopatra had several siblings, each slightly treacherous in their own way. Cleopatra's eldest sibling was also her name buddy- Cleopatra Tryphaena VI. She siezed the throne while her father was visiting Rome and ruled Egypt in his absence from 58 to 57 BC. She was murdered by her father's supporters. The second daughter of Ptolemy XII, Berenice, took control of Egypt after her elder sister's death; she, too, was killed on her father's orders. Cleopatra Philopator VII (the important one) became queen at age 18; she was smart enough to wait until her father keeled over of old age before taking the throne. Good job, Cleo. Following Ptolemaic dynastic law, Cleopatra married her younger brother, Ptolemy XIII, and ruled jointly with him. As a tween, this guy ordered the execution of Pompey the Great. He eventually drowned in the Nile from the weight of his golden breastplate during a battle against Caesar. Cleopatra then went on to wed her youngest brother, Ptolemy XIV (seriously, these guys had problems choosing baby names). He died suddenly (accidentally?), which allowed Cleopatra to rule jointly with her three-year-old son (who also happened to be the son of Caesar, an affair we'll discuss later), whose name was- big surprise here- Ptolemy XV, also called Caesarion ("Little Caesar"). During this time, Cleopatra also had her little sister, Arsinoe, imprisoned and sent to Rome, where she was paraded through the streets in chains and murdered; this action secured Cleopatra's claim to the throne.

Seriously, though. Even their names were inbred. (#sorrynotsorry)

Cleopatra was pretty dang cool for several reasons, one of which being her talent in linguistics. She spoke at least nine languages fluently, including Egyptian. Believe it or not, Cleo was the first ruler in the entire Ptolemaic DYNASTY to learn the language of her people. As you can probably imagine, this made her more popular with the commoners, who saw her as the human incarnation of the goddess Isis.

Plutarch, one of the great biographers of antiquity, wrote, "It was a pleasure to hear the sound of her voice, with which, like an instrument of many strings, she could pass from one language to another, so that there were few of the barbarian nations that she answered by an interpreter; to most of them she spoke herself, as to the Ethiopians, Troglodytes, Hebrews, Arabians, Syrians, Medes, Parthians, and many others whose language she had learnt." In short, she could conduct business and treaties with other nations WITH NO INTERPRETER, THEREFORE REDUCING THE CHANCE THAT SHE AND/OR THE ENTIRETY OF FREAKING EGYPT COULD BE TRICKED OR TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BY A FOREIGN ENTITY. HOLLA. Plus, her people actually liked her. Suck it, Caesar! 

Now, onto her infamous love affairs! 

Some background info: Julius Caesar was a Roman statesman and general who helped turn Rome from a republic to a gigantic empire. In other words, he was one of the most powerful men on the entire planet at the time. When he and Cleopatra met, he was in his early fifties, and she was only 21. Their story is an odd one; she basically rolled herself up into a giant carpet and had herself delivered to his room. Nine months later, Cleopatra gave birth to their son. 

Marc Antony, a good friend of Julius Caesar, also happened to be smitten with Cleopatra. They ended up having twins, Alexander Helios and Cleopatra Selene II (yes, another freaking Cleopatra). Marc Antony and Cleopatra married in the Egyptian rite, despite the fact that he already had a couple wives, one of whom, Octavia,  happened to be the sister of Octavian....who happened to also be known as Augustus...the Emperor of Rome. Anyways, when he ditched the Roman chick Octavia, he also ditched his alliance with her brother, the emperor. 

In short, Marc Antony's armies deserted him for Emperor Augustus, Cleopatra felt bad, she sent messengers to tell him that she was dead, he stabbed himself out of grief, Cleo dragged him up to her room, tore her clothes, engaged in self-mutilation, etc. His dying wish was to have a glass of wine, and he died upon finishing it. Cleopatra then committed suicide. Although other theories do exist, the most popular theory is that she allowed an Egyptian cobra to bite her on the breast, dying at the age of 39.

Her son by Caesar, Caesarian, was murdered by Emperor Augustus. In a strange twist of fate, Cleopatra's other three children (all fathered by Marc Antony) were sent to Rome to be raised by Octavia, Marc Antony's ex. Both boys- Alexander and Ptolemy- disappeared under mysterious circumstances, but their sister managed to survive and marry King Juba II of Mauretania, bearing him two children, Drusilla and yet another Ptolemy.

Cool connection time: Some accounts show that Drusilla (Cleopatra's granddaughter) married a dude named Marcus Antonius Felix, the Roman governor of Judea. While in court, she and her husband listened to the testimony of the Apostle Paul, who was on trial for his belief in Jesus Christ (Acts 24:24). SO COOL, RIGHT?! 

Also, after Cleopatra's suicide, Octavian (AKA Emperor Augustus) appointed himself Egypt's new pharaoh. Thirty years later, he became linked with the birth of Jesus Christ as recorded in the Bible: "In those days, Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world" (Luke 1:2). EVERYTHING'S CONNECTED.

Sometimes I can't even. I just can't. TOO MUCH. If you're not hyperventilating and/or jumping around the room right now, you're not as excited as you should be about history. 

So yeah, Cleopatra. Pretty cool, am I right?

Elizabeth Bathory: The Blood Countess

Niece of the king of Poland and cousin of the prince of Transylvania, Elizabeth Bathory (or Erzebet Bathory, if you're especially hip in da vernacular) was a countess in Hungary in the late 1500s and early 1600s. She would become one of the most prolific female serial killers the world has ever known, torturing and murdering 650 girls and young women.

Perhaps the root of all her later crimes was planted in her childhood, which was less than ideal by both modern and medieval standards. Historians often agree that she suffered from "fits- even outbursts- of rage." Contemporary accounts often describe epilepsy-like symptoms, including severe seizures. In addition, the parenting techniques she was subjected to were often...unconventional? For example, rather than just telling their daughter that stealing is wrong, her parents forced Elizabeth to witness a young thief's fate- being sewn into the stomach of a dying horse and left to perish. That's how you teach life lessons to your kids, folks.

Elizabeth married a soldier named Ferencz Nadasdy at the age of 15. He was gone often, either studying in Vienna or gone at war. Most agree that Elizabeth committed the majority of her crimes in his absence, but he was far from ignorant of her deeds. Some legends claim that he went so far as to teach her new torture techniques he'd learned abroad. Both Elizabeth and her husband enjoyed having power and thrived in an environment with no accountability for aristocrats (Hungary is usually on point with that kind of thing). They ended up with four kids, all of whom fled the nest and married at early ages. Who can blame them? 





Most accounts say that Elizabeth was an incredibly vain narcissist. According to her contemporaries, she changed clothes at least five or six times a day and spent hours admiring herself in the mirror. She used a number of unusual oils and techniques to both preserve and lighten her skin. Her ladies-in-waiting were fired (or disappeared altogether) if they did not give her continuous praise.

Initially, Elizabeth lured young peasant girls to her castle, promising employment. However, what awaited them was nightmarish. 

The most common atrocities committed against these young women included severe beatings, burning limbs, mutilation, biting the flesh off the faces, arms, etc. of the young girls, freezing to death, and starving to death.

However, certain tactics were more unusual. One reported torture technique described spreading honey over a naked girl and leaving her tied outside for bugs to eat and bees to sting. Elizabeth also perfected the art of freezing a girl to death during the winter by pouring water over her naked body until it eventually solidified, creating a tomb of ice around the victim. However, according to most reports, the torture Elizabeth loved most was beating the girls to the brink of death. 

Details from her trial revealed that her crimes grew worse as she aged, especially after the death of her husband. Firsthand accounts add that she would sew a servant girl's mouth shut, force her to eat strips of her own flesh, and burn her genitals until she died of pain. It was also common for Elizabeth to line her carriage seats with needles to poke her guests. When she was ill, one account states that she "bit a person who came near her sick bed as though she were a wild beast."

Until 1609, Elizabeth's main assistant was Anna Darvulia; after her untimely death, a widow named Erzsi Majorova replaced her. The point is that Elizabeth was not alone in committing these crimes; she had a myriad of accomplices and witnesses who both saw and approved of her actions.

Ever-dedicated to her beauty, Elizabeth believed that bathing in the blood of virgins would preserve and whiten her skin. Her accomplices would drain the blood of her victims (at times, when they were still alive) into a giant tub. Some sources claim that she bathed in blood at least once a day. 


A modern re-creation of Elizabeth's torture techniques/daily bath. 


I'd like to point out that I did not make this meme. I'm not that morbid. Yet.

However, once the once-plentiful stock of peasant girls had run out, Elizabeth expanded her sights to the lesser gentry. She opened a fake school of etiquette for daughters of lesser nobles, promising to teach them the ways of court. Instead, once these young ladies entered the castle, they never returned home. Naturally, the lords and ladies of the area noticed. This was Elizabeth's mistake. She had grown too bold and too arrogant after years of getting away with her crimes. 

The official inquiry regarding her actions began in 1610. The prosecution was supported by the crown- not due to the atrocity of her actions- but because the king hoped to escape paying back a rather extensive loan to her family. If Elizabeth was arrested, the king would be exempt from paying back the loan and would gain all of Elizabeth's land holdings. 

On December 19, 1610, Elizabeth was arrested and placed on trial. She was convicted, her lands confiscated, and her castle searched extensively. A registrar retrieved from the castle contained a record of the names and ages of all of Elizabeth's victims in her own handwriting. The death count came to a monstrous total- 650 victims. 

Elizabeth's known accomplices were executed, but she received a punishment worse than death- immurement. She was walled into her room in Čachtice (Csejte) Castle with only small slits left open to pass food and provide ventilation. She was trapped there until her death in 1614. 


You get the picture. 

She was initially buried in the cemetery of the local church, but the local uproar over the burial of the hated "Tigress of Csejte" caused her body to be moved to her childhood home at the castle of Ecsed, where it remains at the Bathory family crypt. 


The ruins of Čachtice (Csejte) Castle still overlook the village from which Elizabeth plucked her victims. 

Elizabeth is often referred to as the Blood Countess or Countess Dracula. Even to this day, locals of the area refuse to speak of her, often citing the possibility of black magic as reasoning for their fear. 

Most legends of Transylvanian vampirism stem from the crimes of Elizabeth Bathory and her relative, Vlad the Impaler (big shocker there). Movies, books, and songs have been created over the centuries that reference her cruelty. An opera (yes, a freaking OPERA), aptly named "Erzebet: The Opera," was composed by Dennis Bathory-Kitsz in 2011 in remembrance of his distant female relative. The legacy of the Blood Countess lives on, continuing to haunt our hearts and minds today.

Moral of the story: if a creepy lady with blood on her hands asks you to be a lady-in-waiting, the answer is always a prompt, "Thanks but no thanks."

Diane de Poitiers: Mistress and Cougar

Unbelievably gorgeous, determined, and intelligent, Diane de Poiters held the heart and mind of King Henri II of France until his death in 1559.

So, the question must be posed- how did she (a woman twenty years his senior) manage to secure and maintain influence over one of the most powerful men in Europe for decades? 

Diane was lucky; she was born in an age in which it was fashionable to have girls educated in the same manner as boys. She was taught Latin, Greek, dancing, conversation, etc. What's important to remember is that her education was not tailored for practicality; it was tailored for her survival and success in court. And succeed she did.

At the age of 15, she married a pretty nice, reasonably rich French guy named Louis de Brézé. Keep in mind that this dude was 39 years older than her. Sick. She ended up having two daughters with him before his death in 1531. After his death, she wore exclusively black and white for the rest of her life. These colors also referenced her name, derived from Diana, the hot Roman goddess of the moon. Was she in mourning, or was she patenting her personal trademark? Perhaps both. 

Here, the creepiness begins to set in. King Francis I asked her to become his son's mentor. Since his mother was already dead, the 10-year-old boy, Henri II, grew to love Diane... in a way that remains confusing for many. She served as a mother figure to him, teaching him courtly manners and other necessary skills for a future king of France. Soon enough, the skill set he required expanded to sexual matters, and she taught him that, too. So yeah, cougar. 

The evolution of Henri II (and his facial hair). 

In 1533, Henri II married Catherine de Medici. Catherine was a sassy and slightly malicious Italian chick who made no secret of her hatred towards Diane. This was an especially awkward situation because Catherine and Diane were actually distant cousins, and Catherine's hatred of Diane was one-sided. Diane actually saw Catherine as a cute, slightly malevolent baby cousin. She even made sure that Henri made enough stops in Catherine's bedroom to ensure the possibility of a royal heir and nursed the new queen back to health when she caught scarlet fever. Despite Diane's attempts to hook up the king and his new queen, it took years for Catherine to conceive a child. These attempts at taking the higher moral ground only made Henri more attracted to Diane, which made the problem even worse. Catherine thanked her for her efforts by trying to poison her. Diane literally ran Henri's life (not in a selfish way, but in a "Hey-I-love-you-and-I-know-what's-best-for-you-because-I-practically-raised-you-and-am-literally-twenty-years-older-than-you" kind of way). 

Another thing that made the situation worse was that Diane was absolutely beautiful despite her age. She aged exceptionally well, and- even into her fifties and sixties- she was still considered the most beautiful woman in France. 

She had several ways of maintaining her beauty throughout her life, including taking daily baths (gasp!), immersing her face in icy water to aid her luminous complexion, sticking to a specific diet, and exercising daily (heaven forbid). She also had some rather unusual ways of maintaining her beauty that were revealed when her body was exhumed in 2009. Scientists found her body's gold levels to be 500 times the normal levels, proving the rumors that she had experimented with drinking liquid gold as a beauty elixir. In a way, this elixir did work in giving her a porcelain complexion, but the anemia it caused also helped kill her in the end. 

In contrast, Catherine de Medici was....not quite up to par in the eyes of her contemporaries. 

She didn't have that great of a personality either. For whatever reason, hiring her own poison-maker wasn't conducive to making friends in the French court.

I mean, is there a comparison? Really? 

So yeah, it ticked Catherine off a little when her husband was absolutely entranced with woman who was more beautiful, more intelligent, and more politically savvy than she could ever hope to be. It only made matters worse when the queen found out that the king's favorite mistress (Diane) was twenty years older than her, and she still didn't have a chance.

So, while Catherine was queen of France in name, it was Diane who held all the power of the queen. It was Diane who held the crown jewels, it was Diane who was in charge of the education of Henri's children (even those born of Catherine), and it was Diane who was allowed to write and sign official political documents under the signature 'HenriDiane' (so yeah, basically the Renaissance version of Kimye). She was politically brilliant, and much of the success of Henri's reign is attributed to her influence. 

Henri gave her lots of nice things throughout her life, including the aforementioned crown jewels and many castles (including the amazingly gorgeous Chenonceau, pictured below).

After Henri's death (he was fatally injured during a joust), Catherine finally had the opportunity to banish Diane from court. Diane lived the rest of her life in one of her country estates at Chaumont, and she died at the chateau d'Anet at the age of 66. 

Not a bad place to croak, eh?

Elizabeth I: Ginger and Proud (1533–1603)

Ah, Elizabeth I. Being a fellow ginger, I hold you in especially high regard.

Daughter of Queen Anne Boleyn (known as "Great Whore") and King Henry VIII (the greedy ginger dude who went through six wives), Elizabeth's childhood- as well as her very existence- was tenuous and wavering. Her mother's fall from favor and death (by a French swordsman, no less) left her with a stigma that would follow her throughout her life.

At the age of two, the toddler was declared a royal bastard and sent off to live in the English countryside with her own household. She was educated very well and turned out to be one smart cookie. From a very early age, she was taught Latin, Greek, Spanish French, philosophy, history, and mathematics (humanist education, y'all). One of her tutors, Robert Ascham, considered her the brightest student he'd ever encountered. She was also a skilled poet and composer, played several musical instruments, created art, and was a complete boss at needlework.  She went through periods of being legitimized and illegitimized, whichever status better suited her father politically at the time. These fluctuations didn't really affect her day-to-day life aside from slight adjustments in allowance and appearances at court, but they definitely took their toll on her self-esteem and relationship with her ever-volatile father. Luckily, she was one of those remarkably rare people that didn't shrink from adversity and made the conscious decision to figure out how she could use it to her advantage. In short, she was a complete boss, and she will always be my #wcw.

Like bell-bottoms, but for the arms.

Elizabeth grew up Protestant, mostly to please her father who broke off from the Catholic Church so he could get hitched with Anne Boleyn. This became a serious issue after the death of her younger brother Edward VI, who had become king after the death of their father (one of the greatest jerk-wads in history), Henry VIII. Since the Tudor line had run out of legitimate male heirs (and beheaded the next semi-legitimate heir, Lady Jane Grey, after 9 days as queen), Elizabeth's older, super-mega-ultra Catholic sister named Mary took the throne. Now, I'd like to point out that there's nothing wrong with being Catholic; I'm a Catholic myself and pretty dang proud of it. However, she subscribed to militant Catholicism (much like her future husband, Philip III of Spain). Because of this, she grew incredibly paranoid that her sister would lead a Protestant uprising against her and treated Elizabeth incredibly cruelly as a result, nearly killing her at certain points. There'll be another blog post about Mary later, so you'll hear all about her insanity and how she thought she was preggo and ended up dying instead. Whoops. Anyways, all that's important for now is that she killed a lot of people, everyone hated her, and eventually she died- at which point Elizabeth FINALLY took the throne.

Just look at that ermine trim. So regal. So fab.

Elizabeth became known as the Virgin Queen because- after her coronation- she pretty much told her advisors to shove it when they told her she needed a husband. HOWEVER, this is not to say that she wasn't attracted to the menfolk (gah, the word "menfolk" should totally be used more often). In fact, she was in love (*cue third-grade me screaming, "She's in looooooooooooooove"*) with her best friend from childhood, Robert "Robin" Dudley. However, their marriage wasn't politically possible, even though she promoted him to Master of the Horse (hey, at least it's not Master of the Toilet- which actually existed AS A COVETED POSITION) and gave him the title of Earl of Leicester.

A match made in heaven, right? #sorrynotsorry


Robert ended up marrying some blonde named Amy, who was known as being nice but incredibly bland. They rarely saw each other, and she reportedly developed something resembling breast cancer a couple years into their marriage. However, she didn't die from this cancer-like issue; rather, she was found at the bottom of a tall staircase with a broken neck and two wounds to the head. The coroner found it to be an accident, but most considered (and continue to consider) her death to be either arranged murder or suicide.

Since Robert and Elizabeth still couldn't (or wouldn't, since she flat-out refused any and all suitors) marry, he eventually remarried a young woman (11 years younger than him) named Lettice Knollys. She remarkably resembled Elizabeth, which didn't escape the queen's notice. And yes, by "remarkably resembled," I mean that they both had flaming red hair and looked nice in poofy dresses. The queen hated her- most likely out of jealousy- and made her appearance at court a rare occasion.

Her reign was one of the most politically, economically, and militarily successful periods England has ever experienced. She finally created a compromise between the polarized Catholics and Protestants in England, established incredibly profitable voyages of discovery to America and India, and defeated the supposedly unbeatable Spanish Armada (of course, the storm that prevented the cray-cray Spaniards from attacking may have helped a bit). She defied all odds and became one of the greatest monarchs of ever. And as a single woman, no less. Heck, her rule even inspired new terms for the period- the Elizabethan Era, the Golden Age of England, etc. So yeah, she's a total boss.


She also had some pretty rad currency.