Marie Antoinette: Let Them Eat Cake?

Ah, Marie Antoinette. Last queen of France, gratuitous spender, fake shepherdess, scapegoat for the French Revolution, etc.

Born as the fifteenth child of Emperor Francis I (who enjoyed watching plays rather than ruling) and Empress Maria Theresa (who wore the pants in both her relationship and in her nation), Maria Antonia Josepha Johanna was born on November 2, 1755. She had a pretty chill childhood; she had nice tutors, a ton of siblings to play with, indulgent governesses, and a couple incredibly opulent palaces to call her own.

Bb Maria Antonia. The cutest
dang bobblehead.

As a child, Maria Antonia had many more freedoms than other royal children in Europe. She and her siblings were allowed to leave the palaces, spend time outside, dress in normal bourgeois attire (rather than the over-the-top outfits of other European nations *cough* France *cough*), and associate with non-royal children.

Maria Antonia (she didn't morph into Marie Antoinette until after she married the French dude) was educated, but she lacked a truly rounded education. She was educated in religion, moral principles, languages, and music. She never learned about the economy, politics, or foreign policy. In short, she had pretty handwriting and could play the harpsichord, but she had no clue how to rule a nation.

FUN FACT TIME! Certain historians claim that a 13-year-old Maria Antonia had the opportunity to meet and be an audience to the young Mozart. Pretty cool, ja?

Her mother, Maria Theresa (previously posted about here) had a habit in which she married off her children to strangers to solidify political alliances. Marie Antoinette was no exception; after the end of the Seven Years War, Maria Theresa needed a way to preserve the shaky peace between her nation (Austria/Holy Roman Empire) and France. Maria Antonia was her solution. At the tender age of 14, Maria Antonia married Louis-Auguste, the French dauphin (heir to the throne).

This portrait of Maria Antonia
was sent to France during
marriage negotiations.
(All 13-year-olds apparently look like this.)

MORE FUN FACTS! During marriage negotiations, French diplomats protested Maria Antonia's "crooked teeth," resulting in three months worth of oral surgery without anesthetic. The end result proved satisfactory, and marriage negotiations continued.

Maria Antonia said her final good-byes to her family, friends, and home on April 21, 1770. On May 7, she and her entourage reached the Rhine, the border between Austria and France. A strange and tragic tradition ensued. After reaching the border, Maria Antonia shed her Austrian clothes, her Austrian name, and her Austrian servants. She would never return to her homeland, and she had nothing to remind her of her home (the reasoning for which was that she had found a new home).

Maria Antonia became Marie Antoinette, and this new woman could only wear French fashions, only speak French, and only be accompanied by French maids.

Versailles. 

Before reaching her future home at Versailles, Marie Antoinette met Louis-Auguste for the first time. In short, she was way out of his league, and he was more interested in locksmithing than in her. They were technically already married (by proxy), but they had their ceremonial wedding- a gigantic, ornate ordeal that lasted several hours- on Mary 16th.

This is where things start to get uncomfortable for us all.

In the French court, it was customary and expected for the nobility to watch every part of the royal family's life- the king, the dauphin, and his new wife were quite literally never alone. Every moment of their life (from going to the bathroom to getting dressed in the morning) was watched by an actual audience of pompous, over-dressed snobs judging their every move. This custom included the wedding night. To say the least, the barely-more-than-tweens failed to consummate their marriage on the first night, much to the disappointment of the entire court. The poor kids could literally hear the sighs of disappointment from the crowd as they drifted off to sleep.

See that little fence thing? Yeah, that's to keep the crowd
from getting too close to the dauphin and dauphine.
Basically the 18th-century version of caution tape.

Luckily, this minor setback (well, actually it was a decidedly major setback), Marie Antoinette was received incredibly well by the people of France. Her first official appearance to the people three years after her arrival in France drew a crowd of over 50,000. I mean, she was young, spoke prettily, and was incredibly beautiful- she had smooth, porcelain skin, light blue eyes, and naturally straw-blonde hair. She had nice manners and was quite naive. However, the match was not quite as popular with the nobility, especially with those of the older generation. These courtiers had spent years hating Austria (because, ya know, they'd been fighting each other for decades) and obviously weren't all that crazy about having a spoiled Austrian archduchess as their future queen. Mesdames, the daughters of the current king, even called her Austrichienne, which essentially mashes together the French words for "Austrian" and "female dog." (So basically they called her the Austrian bitch. Pardon my French. GET IT? I am pun master today.)

Marie Antoinette had other problems to deal with; her mother wrote her letters regularly to criticize how few nights her daughter spent with her new husband and her inability to "inspire passion" in Louis-Auguste, who was more interested in hunting than in his new wife. As if that wasn't awkward enough, her mother received regular reports from the Austrian diplomat, Mercy-d'Argenteau, about Marie Antoinette's every move- who she talked to, when she went to bed, what she ate, what she wore, if she slept with her husband, etc. With her mother playing the role of Big Brother in her life and the lack of interest from her husband, it isn't surprising that Marie began to spend more money on gambling and clothing.

King Louis XV got smallpox and died on May 10, 1774. Louis-Auguste and Marie Antoinette were crowned king and queen of France on June 11 of the following year.

The whole having-no-kids-because-we-still-haven't-done-it thing got old real fast to the rest of France. Rumors began to spread- the king being impotent, the queen's fictitious extramarital affairs with men and women. These personal attacks caused the new queen to spiral ever further into a life of gambling and excessive spending. One account claims that the queen gambled for three days straight.

The whole problem with Louis-Auguste and Marie Antoinette's marriage was simply that their personalities were completely different. He was introverted, shy, and liked to get to sleep before midnight. She was extroverted, vibrant, and loved nothing more than staying up until dawn gambling with scheming courtiers. In 1777, Marie Antoinette's mother found out that she and her husband- now married for seven years- had yet to consummate their marriage. She dispatched her oldest son and co-ruler of the Holy Roman Empire, Joseph II, to go work as a kind of marriage counselor. Whatever Joe did worked; a year later, Marie Antoinette gave birth to a daughter, Marie Therese Charlotte.

Marie Antoinette with her
children and half the feathers
of a full-grown ostrich
 sticking out of her hat.

Marie Antoinette also created a haven for herself in the Petit Trianon, a small compound on the grounds of Versailles. She modeled the small chateau after what she thought peasant life was like- cute houses, adorable baby lambs, frilly dresses, flowers, swings, and all the free time in the world to enjoy the fresh air and pretend to be a shepherdess. So yeah, her perception of life as a peasant was a little off; she forgot disease, rampant starvation, and the fact that the lives of the peasants sucked so much that they had a revolution. But hey, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Apparently the standard of living for all French peasants.

During the 1780s, the French harvest was particularly awful, leading to obnoxiously high food prices; this fact paired with the whole of the French government sliding into financial hell pretty much made life a living hell for the people of France. Not only were they starving to death, but their queen was seemingly turning a blind eye to their strife while wearing fourteen pounds of gold jewelry and a funny hat. This is where the phrase, "Let them eat cake" comes into play. Although it turned out just to be a rumor propagated by revolutionaries, certain sources claimed that in reaction to hearing that her people had no bread to eat, Marie Antoinette's only response was, "Let them eat cake." She never actually said it, but hey- who am I to ignore the orders of the queen? (*shoves face into a plate of cake*)

In 1785, the Diamond Necklace Scandal basically sealed the queen's fate. A thief posing as Marie Antoinette purchased a necklace containing 647 priceless diamonds and smuggled it off to England, leaving the bill to the people of France. Although the queen wasn't actually involved, she was still guilty in the eyes of the people.

On July 14, 1789, French workers and peasants stormed the Bastille, marking the beginning of the French Revolution. On October 6 of the same year, a mob of 10,000 gathered outside Versailles and demanded that the royal family be brought to Paris; the royal family obeyed. In their palace in Paris, the ever-mediocre Louis XVI was basically paralyzed with fear while Marie Antoinette took over, sending letters to everyone of importance in Europe, begging them for help to restore the monarchy in France.

The Storming of the Bastille

After several long and confusing years of revolution, Louis XVI was dragged to the guillotine and beheaded on January 21, 1793. On October 16, Marie Antoinette followed her husband, beheaded at the guillotine after being found guilty of treason, theft, and a rather disturbing (and incredibly false) allegation of sexual abuse against her own son. She was only 39. The night before her execution, she wrote to her sister-in-law, "I am calm, as people are whose consciences are clear."

Yup, that's her head up there on that stick.

Only one of her children survived the Revolution; Marie Therese, her eldest, was released from prison at the age of 17. She married a duke, but her marriage was miserable. She was extremely unhappy, and their marriage was never consummated. She lived a life of bitterness and regret, and she led most of her life away from her home in exile. However, in 1830, she technically achieved the title of Queen of France for about 20 minutes while her husband signed the abdication papers. She died in exile in 1851 at the age of 72;  in her last minutes, she forgave those who were responsible for the murder of her parents and siblings.

Marie Antoinette's legacy is incredibly mixed; most accounts view her as a villain who took advantage of her situation in life, creating the downfall of her nation. However, many modern historians view her as a victim of her situation, as a woman who truly did not know the repercussions of her actions. However you choose to look at her, it is undeniable that- in the words of Thomas Jefferson- "If there had been no queen, there would have been no revolution."

Elizabeth I: Ginger and Proud (1533–1603)

Ah, Elizabeth I. Being a fellow ginger, I hold you in especially high regard.

Daughter of Queen Anne Boleyn (known as "Great Whore") and King Henry VIII (the greedy ginger dude who went through six wives), Elizabeth's childhood- as well as her very existence- was tenuous and wavering. Her mother's fall from favor and death (by a French swordsman, no less) left her with a stigma that would follow her throughout her life.

At the age of two, the toddler was declared a royal bastard and sent off to live in the English countryside with her own household. She was educated very well and turned out to be one smart cookie. From a very early age, she was taught Latin, Greek, Spanish French, philosophy, history, and mathematics (humanist education, y'all). One of her tutors, Robert Ascham, considered her the brightest student he'd ever encountered. She was also a skilled poet and composer, played several musical instruments, created art, and was a complete boss at needlework.  She went through periods of being legitimized and illegitimized, whichever status better suited her father politically at the time. These fluctuations didn't really affect her day-to-day life aside from slight adjustments in allowance and appearances at court, but they definitely took their toll on her self-esteem and relationship with her ever-volatile father. Luckily, she was one of those remarkably rare people that didn't shrink from adversity and made the conscious decision to figure out how she could use it to her advantage. In short, she was a complete boss, and she will always be my #wcw.

Like bell-bottoms, but for the arms.

Elizabeth grew up Protestant, mostly to please her father who broke off from the Catholic Church so he could get hitched with Anne Boleyn. This became a serious issue after the death of her younger brother Edward VI, who had become king after the death of their father (one of the greatest jerk-wads in history), Henry VIII. Since the Tudor line had run out of legitimate male heirs (and beheaded the next semi-legitimate heir, Lady Jane Grey, after 9 days as queen), Elizabeth's older, super-mega-ultra Catholic sister named Mary took the throne. Now, I'd like to point out that there's nothing wrong with being Catholic; I'm a Catholic myself and pretty dang proud of it. However, she subscribed to militant Catholicism (much like her future husband, Philip III of Spain). Because of this, she grew incredibly paranoid that her sister would lead a Protestant uprising against her and treated Elizabeth incredibly cruelly as a result, nearly killing her at certain points. There'll be another blog post about Mary later, so you'll hear all about her insanity and how she thought she was preggo and ended up dying instead. Whoops. Anyways, all that's important for now is that she killed a lot of people, everyone hated her, and eventually she died- at which point Elizabeth FINALLY took the throne.

Just look at that ermine trim. So regal. So fab.

Elizabeth became known as the Virgin Queen because- after her coronation- she pretty much told her advisors to shove it when they told her she needed a husband. HOWEVER, this is not to say that she wasn't attracted to the menfolk (gah, the word "menfolk" should totally be used more often). In fact, she was in love (*cue third-grade me screaming, "She's in looooooooooooooove"*) with her best friend from childhood, Robert "Robin" Dudley. However, their marriage wasn't politically possible, even though she promoted him to Master of the Horse (hey, at least it's not Master of the Toilet- which actually existed AS A COVETED POSITION) and gave him the title of Earl of Leicester.

A match made in heaven, right? #sorrynotsorry


Robert ended up marrying some blonde named Amy, who was known as being nice but incredibly bland. They rarely saw each other, and she reportedly developed something resembling breast cancer a couple years into their marriage. However, she didn't die from this cancer-like issue; rather, she was found at the bottom of a tall staircase with a broken neck and two wounds to the head. The coroner found it to be an accident, but most considered (and continue to consider) her death to be either arranged murder or suicide.

Since Robert and Elizabeth still couldn't (or wouldn't, since she flat-out refused any and all suitors) marry, he eventually remarried a young woman (11 years younger than him) named Lettice Knollys. She remarkably resembled Elizabeth, which didn't escape the queen's notice. And yes, by "remarkably resembled," I mean that they both had flaming red hair and looked nice in poofy dresses. The queen hated her- most likely out of jealousy- and made her appearance at court a rare occasion.

Her reign was one of the most politically, economically, and militarily successful periods England has ever experienced. She finally created a compromise between the polarized Catholics and Protestants in England, established incredibly profitable voyages of discovery to America and India, and defeated the supposedly unbeatable Spanish Armada (of course, the storm that prevented the cray-cray Spaniards from attacking may have helped a bit). She defied all odds and became one of the greatest monarchs of ever. And as a single woman, no less. Heck, her rule even inspired new terms for the period- the Elizabethan Era, the Golden Age of England, etc. So yeah, she's a total boss.


She also had some pretty rad currency.