Mary I: Bloody Mary

Once again, the term "Killing Machines" comes into play.

Remembered for being perpetually cranky and ill-suited to public life, Mary I ruled England for five years and was succeeded by her younger sister, Elizabeth, who turned out to be one of the greatest rulers of English history. Unfortunately, Mary's legacy isn't quite as reputable. Rather, her story is unhappy, dreary, and miserable.

Initially, Mary's childhood was perfect. She was the only child- a true princess- of King Henry VIII and his wife, Catherine of Aragon. She had everything a little girl could want (including several palaces, an unlimited budget, and a closet stuffed full of sparkly dresses). She was precocious in her education; by the age of nine, she could fluently speak, read, and write in English (her native tongue), Spanish (her mother's native tongue), French, Latin, and Greek. Everything was perfect- except one thing. Her father had no heir, Catherine was growing older, and Henry's eyes were wandering.

Henry VIII fell in love with Anne Boleyn, known as the "Great Whore" of England. Although he had had several affairs previously (and had several illegitimate children to prove it), Anne was an anomaly. She refused to sleep with Henry until he had married her, although not for any moral intentions, I can assure you. Above all else, this woman wanted to be queen. Unfortunately, England already had a queen, Mary's mother, Queen Catherine. Since Henry hadn't yet thought of killing off his current wife (emphasis on yet), he decided to divorce her. Unfortunately, the pope wouldn't annul the marriage for a number of political and religious reasons. Political disputes ensued, eventually leading to Henry's break from the Catholic Church. He declared himself head of the Church of England (creating Anglicanism), annulled his marriage to Catherine, sent her off to live in a dank castle in seclusion, and married Anne (who eventually became the mother of the aforementioned Elizabeth).

Catherine of Aragon (Mary's
mother/Henry's first wife)

Anne Boleyn (The "Great Whore"/
Henry's second wife/mother of Elizabeth)

Of course, this whole shebang took its toll on Mary. Just reaching her teenage years, Mary was demoted from "Princess Mary" to "Lady Mary." Her household, servants, home, and titles (in short, everything and everyone she had ever known) were dissolved. Everything she had previously laid claim to became Elizabeth's, her new half sister. Naturally, Mary hated Anne Boleyn with a burning passion. After all, this was the woman who had stolen her mother, her legitimacy- her life- away from her. Anne treated Mary horribly, forcing her to act as a servant to her infant daughter, Elizabeth. She put Mary in the worst living quarters, resulting in frequent ill health, and refused to allow Mary to see her mother, even as Catherine laid on her deathbed. Imagine- being a teenager, knowing that your mother was dying alone, and being unable to help or be with her. Excruciating. According to reports, upon hearing the news of her mother's death, Mary burst into tears and remained "inconsolable" for days.

Young Mary

Despite these challenges, Mary rebelled in her own ways. She took after her Spanish mother in being an extremely devout Roman Catholic. She refused to acknowledge her father (you know, one of the most powerful men in the world) as the supreme head of the Church. She also refused to address Anne as queen or Elizabeth as princess, further inciting Henry's anger. Mary and her father did not speak for three years. Following Anne's fall from power and execution, the relationship between Mary and Henry resumed, thanks to Henry's new wife, Jane Seymour. Jane is remembered for being the kindest of Henry's wives and convinced Henry to reinstate Mary (and the newly illegitimate toddler, Elizabeth) as princesses. Despite Mary's attempts to keep with her conscience, she was forced to sign a document recognizing three themes: 1) Henry as head of the Church rather than the pope, 2) The illegitimacy of Henry and Catherine's marriage, and 3) Her own illegitimacy. In reconciling with her father, Mary remained "Lady Mary" but reclaimed a place at court, complete with a household of her own.

Henry VIII (D-bag with six wives
and nice calves)

Unfortunately, this somewhat happier time didn't last; Queen Jane died after the birth of her son, Edward. Finally, the heir and prince Henry had desired for so long. However, the kindness of Jane's era was gone. In 1541, following a Catholic rebellion, Henry executed the Countess of Salisbury, Mary's old governess and godmother, under the pretext that she had been involved in the plot. The executioner (a "wretched and blundering youth") is reported to have "literally hacked her head and shoulders to pieces." Mary was forced to watch the whole miserable affair.
Two wives later (one of whom was seven years younger than Mary), Henry married his sixth and final wife, Catherine Parr. She was kind and managed to bring the family together before Henry's death in 1547.

Ten-year-old Edward was crowned king. Although young, Edward was strong in his Protestant convictions. Mary repeatedly refused Edward's attempts to convert her to Protestantism (often illegally holding Mass in her estate) and mainly stayed out of his way. He died in 1553 at the age of 15 of a lung disease resembling tuberculosis.

This is where tensions begin to heat up.

Mary, being the daughter of Henry VIII, should have been next in line for the throne; instead, Lady Jane Grey (who had a distant claim to the crown) was given the throne for two reasons: She was Protestant, and she could be used as a puppet (especially for her pushy in-laws).

Mary had a lot of support from the people of England; she used this influence to stir up a Catholic rebellion of sorts and successfully depose and behead Lady (now Queen) Jane, who had only been queen for nine days.

The "merciful" beheading of Lady Jane Grey

Mary was crowned queen in 1553. Unfortunately, her reign released a lot of the pent-up anger she had contained for decades. Most of her rage was targeted towards non-Catholics, and she burned over  280 Protestant heretics at the stake during her five-year reign. Some 800 wealthy Protestants chose exile over being burned alive (a no-brainer) and moved abroad. Those "heretics" were those who refused to abandon Protestantism (including ex-Queen Jane).

Public opinion of Mary did a complete 180 degree flip. She went from being the princess of the people to a hated ruler. I mean, killing off tons of people for their faith isn't really endearing to the common man. Not to mention the religious turmoil of previous monarchs- having to switch from being Catholic for centuries before Henry VIII's little temper tantrum to being Protestant in name only (keeping basically all Catholic traditions) for the last half of Henry's reign to super-duper-actual Protestant under Edward and Jane AND THEN BACK TO SUPER-DUPER CATHOLIC UNDER THREAT OF DEATH FROM MARY. (Spoiler- they go back to being mildly Protestant under Elizabeth, but there's less fighting between Catholics and Protestants because of her kick-butt compromise)

Mary also made an extremely unpopular mistake- Not only did she marry a militant Catholic, but she married a Spanish militant Catholic. Also, his name was Philip, and that made a lot of people uncomfortable. England and Spain have never been particularly sympatico, but this just pushed the English people over the edge.

Philip II. Dem calves.

*FUN DEFINITION TIME BREAK*

Militant Catholicism was a phenomenon that occurred when radical Catholic believers overthrew ruling Protestant leaders and doctrines OR when "Catholic" leaders used Catholicism to justify inhumane acts against other human beings.
(In other words, it's got a lot to do with politics and barely anything to do with actual Catholicism.)

*END FUN DEFINITION TIME BREAK*

So yeah, Prince Philip of Spain became Mary's consort (not king). The two of them attempted to re-establish Catholicism as the religion of the masses through violence and brutality. To a certain extent, it worked, but it also earned them the absolute hatred of the people.

Yeah, this marriage never should have happened.

A minor speed bump occurred when Mary stopped menstruating in 1554. She gained weight, she got nauseous, and she exhibited all other symptoms of pregnancy. However, nine months later, no baby came. The symptoms ceased after a year of "pregnancy." Mary considered this false pregnancy a punishment from God for being too merciful to the aforementioned heretics and fell into a deep depression.

Her marriage suffered; she was deeply in love with Philip, but he wasn't all that into her. She was significantly older than him, cranky, and not all that attractive. In fact, it is reported that Philip was infatuated with Elizabeth. Mary already hated Elizabeth because she continued to practice Protestantism (not to mention the whole incident with their mothers), but the fact that her beloved husband was actively rooting for her death so that he could marry her baby sister was too much.

Mary finally died in 1558 after yet another false pregnancy. Before her death, she was forced to accept Elizabeth as her rightful heir. Philip did pursue Elizabeth as a wife, but Elizabeth was grossed out and refused, as she did with all her suitors.

She is remembered as Bloody Mary, a cruel and intolerant woman who killed great numbers of her own people. However, she was a woman who bore the scars of a battered and broken childhood, and it would be unfair not to take this aspect of her life into consideration.

Elizabeth I: Ginger and Proud (1533–1603)

Ah, Elizabeth I. Being a fellow ginger, I hold you in especially high regard.

Daughter of Queen Anne Boleyn (known as "Great Whore") and King Henry VIII (the greedy ginger dude who went through six wives), Elizabeth's childhood- as well as her very existence- was tenuous and wavering. Her mother's fall from favor and death (by a French swordsman, no less) left her with a stigma that would follow her throughout her life.

At the age of two, the toddler was declared a royal bastard and sent off to live in the English countryside with her own household. She was educated very well and turned out to be one smart cookie. From a very early age, she was taught Latin, Greek, Spanish French, philosophy, history, and mathematics (humanist education, y'all). One of her tutors, Robert Ascham, considered her the brightest student he'd ever encountered. She was also a skilled poet and composer, played several musical instruments, created art, and was a complete boss at needlework.  She went through periods of being legitimized and illegitimized, whichever status better suited her father politically at the time. These fluctuations didn't really affect her day-to-day life aside from slight adjustments in allowance and appearances at court, but they definitely took their toll on her self-esteem and relationship with her ever-volatile father. Luckily, she was one of those remarkably rare people that didn't shrink from adversity and made the conscious decision to figure out how she could use it to her advantage. In short, she was a complete boss, and she will always be my #wcw.

Like bell-bottoms, but for the arms.

Elizabeth grew up Protestant, mostly to please her father who broke off from the Catholic Church so he could get hitched with Anne Boleyn. This became a serious issue after the death of her younger brother Edward VI, who had become king after the death of their father (one of the greatest jerk-wads in history), Henry VIII. Since the Tudor line had run out of legitimate male heirs (and beheaded the next semi-legitimate heir, Lady Jane Grey, after 9 days as queen), Elizabeth's older, super-mega-ultra Catholic sister named Mary took the throne. Now, I'd like to point out that there's nothing wrong with being Catholic; I'm a Catholic myself and pretty dang proud of it. However, she subscribed to militant Catholicism (much like her future husband, Philip III of Spain). Because of this, she grew incredibly paranoid that her sister would lead a Protestant uprising against her and treated Elizabeth incredibly cruelly as a result, nearly killing her at certain points. There'll be another blog post about Mary later, so you'll hear all about her insanity and how she thought she was preggo and ended up dying instead. Whoops. Anyways, all that's important for now is that she killed a lot of people, everyone hated her, and eventually she died- at which point Elizabeth FINALLY took the throne.

Just look at that ermine trim. So regal. So fab.

Elizabeth became known as the Virgin Queen because- after her coronation- she pretty much told her advisors to shove it when they told her she needed a husband. HOWEVER, this is not to say that she wasn't attracted to the menfolk (gah, the word "menfolk" should totally be used more often). In fact, she was in love (*cue third-grade me screaming, "She's in looooooooooooooove"*) with her best friend from childhood, Robert "Robin" Dudley. However, their marriage wasn't politically possible, even though she promoted him to Master of the Horse (hey, at least it's not Master of the Toilet- which actually existed AS A COVETED POSITION) and gave him the title of Earl of Leicester.

A match made in heaven, right? #sorrynotsorry


Robert ended up marrying some blonde named Amy, who was known as being nice but incredibly bland. They rarely saw each other, and she reportedly developed something resembling breast cancer a couple years into their marriage. However, she didn't die from this cancer-like issue; rather, she was found at the bottom of a tall staircase with a broken neck and two wounds to the head. The coroner found it to be an accident, but most considered (and continue to consider) her death to be either arranged murder or suicide.

Since Robert and Elizabeth still couldn't (or wouldn't, since she flat-out refused any and all suitors) marry, he eventually remarried a young woman (11 years younger than him) named Lettice Knollys. She remarkably resembled Elizabeth, which didn't escape the queen's notice. And yes, by "remarkably resembled," I mean that they both had flaming red hair and looked nice in poofy dresses. The queen hated her- most likely out of jealousy- and made her appearance at court a rare occasion.

Her reign was one of the most politically, economically, and militarily successful periods England has ever experienced. She finally created a compromise between the polarized Catholics and Protestants in England, established incredibly profitable voyages of discovery to America and India, and defeated the supposedly unbeatable Spanish Armada (of course, the storm that prevented the cray-cray Spaniards from attacking may have helped a bit). She defied all odds and became one of the greatest monarchs of ever. And as a single woman, no less. Heck, her rule even inspired new terms for the period- the Elizabethan Era, the Golden Age of England, etc. So yeah, she's a total boss.


She also had some pretty rad currency.