Lavinia Warren: Dwarfism and Intrigue

Humankind has always had a peculiar interest in the unusual. From being forced to perform as jesters in medieval courts to being subjected to horrendous medical experimentation at the hands of Nazi pseudo-doctors, dwarves in particular have enjoyed (or suffered from) a special and intriguing relationship with the rest of humanity. Dwarves have had many names over the ages- midgets and little people, for example, but the vast majority of these names have fallen out of use simply because they often stemmed from disrespect or heightism.

Dwarfism comes in many forms, although the commonly accepted definition includes anyone under the height of 4 feet and 10 inches as possible candidates for the condition. Obviously, not everyone under this height classifies as a dwarf, but as a general definition, it is accepted. Over 300 medical conditions (usually genetic) have been discovered as possible causes of stunted growth, but most can be categorized into two groups, each with a separate result- disproportionate and proportionate dwarfism. Disproportionate dwarfism results in one or more body part being significantly larger or smaller than those of an average adult, whereas proportionate dwarves are regularly proportioned, essentially miniature versions of their average counterparts.

Lavinia Warren, born in 1841 as Mercy Lavinia Warren Bump, was a proportionate dwarf who achieved great success in her lifetime. Hailing from Massachusetts, she was descended from the most prominent New England families- the Hopkins, Warren, Mayhew, Cooke,  Doty, and Billington families, just to name a few. These families intermarried over and over, resulting in inbreeding. Looking back on her family tree, it's a little disconcerting (and, quite frankly, disgusting) just how commonly cousins married. Lavinia's younger sister, Huldah (though often called Minnie), was also a proportionate dwarf who followed in Lavinia's footsteps.

At the age of 16, Lavinia (then known by her original name, Mercy) became a schoolteacher. She was well-respected by both her students and her peers in New England's snooty upper-class society. However, she threw that all out the window when she decided that she wanted adventure more than propriety. She began to work as a singer and dancer on a showboat that ran up and down the Mississippi river.

She eventually learned of the incredible success other dwarves had found in the circus industry, especially that of a man named General Tom Thumb. She joined P. T. Barnum's circus, and Mercy Lavinia Warren Bump officially changed her name to Lavinia Warren. While a part of the circus, she travelled all around the globe. She met Abraham Lincoln in the White House during his presidency, and she was welcomed by kings and queens while abroad in the early 1870s. She became a novelty, a woman of the world, and a much sought-after performer. Today, we might see this supposed success as the product of inhumane treatment, seeing as she was essentially paraded about as a "freak" in Victorian-era circuses and carnivals, but she was proud of her accomplishments. To her contemporaries, this kind of success was unprecedented for a woman, much less for a female dwarf!

Commodore Nutt (1848-1881)

General Tom Thumb (1838-1883)

Lavinia's personal life certainly wasn't lacking. She was romantically pursued by a number of men, especially another dwarf known as Commodore Nutt. He was absolutely infatuated with her, even though she was several years older and saw him only as a "nice little boy." He wooed her for years- but to no avail. She had fallen in love with another, the aforementioned General Tom Thumb. Born Charles Sherwood Stratton, he was also descended from prominent (if incredibly inbred) New England families. He had been performing since the age of five, and the routines in which he impersonated Napoleon and/or Cupid were insanely popular.
Luckily, Lavinia's feelings for Tom Thumb were reciprocated, and they married on February 10, 1863. The wedding was better attended than certain Civil War battles with several thousand attendants at and around Grace Episcopal Church in New York City. While admission to the wedding itself was free, P. T. Barnum sold tickets to the reception for $75 each to the first 5,000 to apply. As the prescribed 5,000 entered the Metropolitan Hotel for the reception, the newlyweds greeted their guests while standing atop the grand piano in the lobby. Known as the "Fairy Wedding," the event provided a welcome break for many Americans from the arduous Civil War. There was, however, a bit of a speed bump in their wedding ceremony. As part of the promotion for the event, P. T. Barnum had asked Commodore Nutt to be Tom Thumb's best man. And yes, you remember correctly- that's the same man who had spent years falling in love with the woman who was about to become someone else's bride. Quite frankly, the wedding picture says it all (see below).

Commodore Nutt (far left) was obviously unhappy with the situation and later stated that he'd refuse to marry "the best woman alive" after such an ordeal. He did, however,  remain good friends with Lavinia's younger sister (seen on the far right) for the rest of his life.

As a couple, the duo became even more popular. They amassed quite a fortune, making each of them millionaires in their own right by modern standards. They did have one child, a daughter, who died at a young age. The two were nearly killed by "one of the worst hotel fires in history" at the Newhall House in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, but they were rescued by their manager at the last second. Within six months of this incident in 1883, Lavinia's beloved husband died suddenly from a stroke at the age of 45.

Two years later, Lavinia found love again. (Spoiler- it's still not Commodore Nutt.) She married Italian dwarf Count Primo Magri, and they operated a small but famous roadside stand in her hometown of Middleborough, Massachusetts. Her last major appearance was in 1915 when she appeared alongside her second husband in a silent film named The Lilliputian's Courtship at the age of 73.

Lavinia died peacefully on November 25, 1918 and was interred beside her first husband with a gravestone reading, "His Wife." She lived her life without apology, simply because she didn't believe that she needed to apologize for her height. Quite frankly, she was right. In a time in which women were quite restrained, she managed to travel the world and earn money in her own right, despite having what her contemporaries described as an "unusual and unfortunate physical appearance."

A Pirate's Life for Me: Anne Bonny and Mary Read

We've all heard of pirates- Captain Kidd, Blackbeard, Captain Jack Sparrow, etc. Heck, theres even an option to have Facebook be presented in pirate-speak. But how many of us know the stories of female pirates? There are two that stand out as the most bloodthirsty and hardcore pirates of history- Anne Bonny and Mary Read.

Anne Bonny was an Irish chick from Cork; she was the illegitimate child of a lawyer and his housemaid. At a very young age, she immigrated to America (specifically, a plantation near Charleston, SC) with her family in the late 1600s. As a young woman, she was known to be quite unladylike. She apparently had a "fierce and courageous temper" and fell in love with a young rebel named James Bonny. They married against her father's wishes, and James took her to a well-known pirate's lair in New Providence in the Bahamas (quite the honeymoon). They were quite happy until 1718 when the royal governor offered a King's pardon to any pirate, and Anne's husband became an informant. Needless to say, Anne was not impressed by this display of cowardice and ditched him somewhere south of the equator. 

Anne then met and fell in love with Captain Jack Rackham (also known as Calico Jack). She disguised herself as a male and sailed the high seas to be with him (and also to prey on Spanish ships heading to Cuba and Hispaniola, but that would ruin the romance). She became pregnant with Jack's child and took a quick break from pillaging. As soon as the baby was born, it was left with friends in Cuba while Anne rejoined Jack on their pirate ship, Vanity.

Anne's loverboy. 

Mary Read was born in Plymouth, England around 1690. Before her birth, her father, a sailor, was lost at sea, never to be heard from again. Her mother never truly believed that her husband was dead, but since she needed a way to support herself and her child, she decided to go to her mother-in-law. Apparently, Mary's grandmother hated girls, so her mom dressed her up like a boy to secure funding. It worked- Mary's mother got a crown a week from her mother-in-law, who was under the impression that she had a grandson rather than a granddaughter. Most reports claim that Mary continued to dress like a man even after the death of her grandmother. 

As a teenager, Mary got herself a job as a footboy (still pretending to be a dude) to some French lady. However, she got bored of this job quickly and quit, only to enter a more adventurous profession- the army. She became a foot soldier and was quickly promoted to a horse regiment, receiving distinction in both. However, this ruse ended when she fell in love with a fellow soldier. She revealed her true gender to him and began dressing as a female once more. After their marriage, they owned an inn in Holland until his early death. She quickly became penniless. She came to a remarkable decision; she knew that life in the 1700s was better as a man than as a woman, so she reverted back into her cross-dressing ways and restarted her life as a sailor on a Dutch merchant ship heading towards the Caribbean. On the way, the ship was taken by English pirates. She joined and pillaged with them until they accepted the King's pardon. The ex-pirates turned into privateers and continued sailing the Caribbean until their ship was taken over by pirates on the ship Vanity (remember that one?). The rest of the privateers were either killed or shipped off, but Mary (having gotten bored with a legitimate trade) decided to turn pirate once more. This point is the beginning of the epic friendship between Mary Read and Anne Bonny. They were basically pirate bffl. Despite her tough exterior, Mary found love on the ship and actually saved his life by killing his opponent in a sword fight before the duel could actually occur. Hardcore.

Known as "fierce hell cats," everyone on board knew how bloodthirsty and ferocious these two she-pirates were. In late October 1720, their ship was anchored at a Jamaican harbor when a British Navy sloop found them. The pirates had been celebrating their recent prizes by drinking copious amounts of alcohol, so everyone but the two women was extremely drunk. The men, seeing the British ship, all hid beneath deck. The two women refused to hide, determined to defend their ship. Despite their attempts to get the men on deck to fight, the men refused. The two apparently flew into a rage, killing one of their own men and wounding several others. Mary and Anne went back on deck and fought the entire British regiment on their own. They lasted for a surprising amount of time, but they were eventually captured. The entire crew stood trial in Jamaica; everyone but the two women were sentenced to hang, including Mary's and Anne's beaus. Anne was allowed to visit her lover, Captain Jack, in his cell before he hung. Her only words to him were, "Had you fought like a man, you need not have been hang'd like a dog."

Mary and Anne were tried a week after the death of their shipmates. They both "pleaded their bellies" (essentially, since they were both pregnant, they couldn't be executed under British law). Reports after this point are mixed. It's said that Mary died of a violent fever in prison before the birth of her child, but some say that the faked her death and snuck out of the prison that way. As for Anne, no records of her execution have ever been found. Some say that her wealthy father paid for her to be let out of prison, and she lived quietly somewhere in the Caribbean until her death. Others say that she went to England and opened up a tavern, entertaining customers with tales of her exploits. Some claim that Mary and Anne managed to get out of prison on their own terms and met back up in Louisiana, where they raised their kids together and remained friends until their deaths.

Fun fact: These two were the only two female pirates known to have pillaged the Western Hemisphere! 

Marie Antoinette: Let Them Eat Cake?

Ah, Marie Antoinette. Last queen of France, gratuitous spender, fake shepherdess, scapegoat for the French Revolution, etc.

Born as the fifteenth child of Emperor Francis I (who enjoyed watching plays rather than ruling) and Empress Maria Theresa (who wore the pants in both her relationship and in her nation), Maria Antonia Josepha Johanna was born on November 2, 1755. She had a pretty chill childhood; she had nice tutors, a ton of siblings to play with, indulgent governesses, and a couple incredibly opulent palaces to call her own.

Bb Maria Antonia. The cutest
dang bobblehead.

As a child, Maria Antonia had many more freedoms than other royal children in Europe. She and her siblings were allowed to leave the palaces, spend time outside, dress in normal bourgeois attire (rather than the over-the-top outfits of other European nations *cough* France *cough*), and associate with non-royal children.

Maria Antonia (she didn't morph into Marie Antoinette until after she married the French dude) was educated, but she lacked a truly rounded education. She was educated in religion, moral principles, languages, and music. She never learned about the economy, politics, or foreign policy. In short, she had pretty handwriting and could play the harpsichord, but she had no clue how to rule a nation.

FUN FACT TIME! Certain historians claim that a 13-year-old Maria Antonia had the opportunity to meet and be an audience to the young Mozart. Pretty cool, ja?

Her mother, Maria Theresa (previously posted about here) had a habit in which she married off her children to strangers to solidify political alliances. Marie Antoinette was no exception; after the end of the Seven Years War, Maria Theresa needed a way to preserve the shaky peace between her nation (Austria/Holy Roman Empire) and France. Maria Antonia was her solution. At the tender age of 14, Maria Antonia married Louis-Auguste, the French dauphin (heir to the throne).

This portrait of Maria Antonia
was sent to France during
marriage negotiations.
(All 13-year-olds apparently look like this.)

MORE FUN FACTS! During marriage negotiations, French diplomats protested Maria Antonia's "crooked teeth," resulting in three months worth of oral surgery without anesthetic. The end result proved satisfactory, and marriage negotiations continued.

Maria Antonia said her final good-byes to her family, friends, and home on April 21, 1770. On May 7, she and her entourage reached the Rhine, the border between Austria and France. A strange and tragic tradition ensued. After reaching the border, Maria Antonia shed her Austrian clothes, her Austrian name, and her Austrian servants. She would never return to her homeland, and she had nothing to remind her of her home (the reasoning for which was that she had found a new home).

Maria Antonia became Marie Antoinette, and this new woman could only wear French fashions, only speak French, and only be accompanied by French maids.

Versailles. 

Before reaching her future home at Versailles, Marie Antoinette met Louis-Auguste for the first time. In short, she was way out of his league, and he was more interested in locksmithing than in her. They were technically already married (by proxy), but they had their ceremonial wedding- a gigantic, ornate ordeal that lasted several hours- on Mary 16th.

This is where things start to get uncomfortable for us all.

In the French court, it was customary and expected for the nobility to watch every part of the royal family's life- the king, the dauphin, and his new wife were quite literally never alone. Every moment of their life (from going to the bathroom to getting dressed in the morning) was watched by an actual audience of pompous, over-dressed snobs judging their every move. This custom included the wedding night. To say the least, the barely-more-than-tweens failed to consummate their marriage on the first night, much to the disappointment of the entire court. The poor kids could literally hear the sighs of disappointment from the crowd as they drifted off to sleep.

See that little fence thing? Yeah, that's to keep the crowd
from getting too close to the dauphin and dauphine.
Basically the 18th-century version of caution tape.

Luckily, this minor setback (well, actually it was a decidedly major setback), Marie Antoinette was received incredibly well by the people of France. Her first official appearance to the people three years after her arrival in France drew a crowd of over 50,000. I mean, she was young, spoke prettily, and was incredibly beautiful- she had smooth, porcelain skin, light blue eyes, and naturally straw-blonde hair. She had nice manners and was quite naive. However, the match was not quite as popular with the nobility, especially with those of the older generation. These courtiers had spent years hating Austria (because, ya know, they'd been fighting each other for decades) and obviously weren't all that crazy about having a spoiled Austrian archduchess as their future queen. Mesdames, the daughters of the current king, even called her Austrichienne, which essentially mashes together the French words for "Austrian" and "female dog." (So basically they called her the Austrian bitch. Pardon my French. GET IT? I am pun master today.)

Marie Antoinette had other problems to deal with; her mother wrote her letters regularly to criticize how few nights her daughter spent with her new husband and her inability to "inspire passion" in Louis-Auguste, who was more interested in hunting than in his new wife. As if that wasn't awkward enough, her mother received regular reports from the Austrian diplomat, Mercy-d'Argenteau, about Marie Antoinette's every move- who she talked to, when she went to bed, what she ate, what she wore, if she slept with her husband, etc. With her mother playing the role of Big Brother in her life and the lack of interest from her husband, it isn't surprising that Marie began to spend more money on gambling and clothing.

King Louis XV got smallpox and died on May 10, 1774. Louis-Auguste and Marie Antoinette were crowned king and queen of France on June 11 of the following year.

The whole having-no-kids-because-we-still-haven't-done-it thing got old real fast to the rest of France. Rumors began to spread- the king being impotent, the queen's fictitious extramarital affairs with men and women. These personal attacks caused the new queen to spiral ever further into a life of gambling and excessive spending. One account claims that the queen gambled for three days straight.

The whole problem with Louis-Auguste and Marie Antoinette's marriage was simply that their personalities were completely different. He was introverted, shy, and liked to get to sleep before midnight. She was extroverted, vibrant, and loved nothing more than staying up until dawn gambling with scheming courtiers. In 1777, Marie Antoinette's mother found out that she and her husband- now married for seven years- had yet to consummate their marriage. She dispatched her oldest son and co-ruler of the Holy Roman Empire, Joseph II, to go work as a kind of marriage counselor. Whatever Joe did worked; a year later, Marie Antoinette gave birth to a daughter, Marie Therese Charlotte.

Marie Antoinette with her
children and half the feathers
of a full-grown ostrich
 sticking out of her hat.

Marie Antoinette also created a haven for herself in the Petit Trianon, a small compound on the grounds of Versailles. She modeled the small chateau after what she thought peasant life was like- cute houses, adorable baby lambs, frilly dresses, flowers, swings, and all the free time in the world to enjoy the fresh air and pretend to be a shepherdess. So yeah, her perception of life as a peasant was a little off; she forgot disease, rampant starvation, and the fact that the lives of the peasants sucked so much that they had a revolution. But hey, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Apparently the standard of living for all French peasants.

During the 1780s, the French harvest was particularly awful, leading to obnoxiously high food prices; this fact paired with the whole of the French government sliding into financial hell pretty much made life a living hell for the people of France. Not only were they starving to death, but their queen was seemingly turning a blind eye to their strife while wearing fourteen pounds of gold jewelry and a funny hat. This is where the phrase, "Let them eat cake" comes into play. Although it turned out just to be a rumor propagated by revolutionaries, certain sources claimed that in reaction to hearing that her people had no bread to eat, Marie Antoinette's only response was, "Let them eat cake." She never actually said it, but hey- who am I to ignore the orders of the queen? (*shoves face into a plate of cake*)

In 1785, the Diamond Necklace Scandal basically sealed the queen's fate. A thief posing as Marie Antoinette purchased a necklace containing 647 priceless diamonds and smuggled it off to England, leaving the bill to the people of France. Although the queen wasn't actually involved, she was still guilty in the eyes of the people.

On July 14, 1789, French workers and peasants stormed the Bastille, marking the beginning of the French Revolution. On October 6 of the same year, a mob of 10,000 gathered outside Versailles and demanded that the royal family be brought to Paris; the royal family obeyed. In their palace in Paris, the ever-mediocre Louis XVI was basically paralyzed with fear while Marie Antoinette took over, sending letters to everyone of importance in Europe, begging them for help to restore the monarchy in France.

The Storming of the Bastille

After several long and confusing years of revolution, Louis XVI was dragged to the guillotine and beheaded on January 21, 1793. On October 16, Marie Antoinette followed her husband, beheaded at the guillotine after being found guilty of treason, theft, and a rather disturbing (and incredibly false) allegation of sexual abuse against her own son. She was only 39. The night before her execution, she wrote to her sister-in-law, "I am calm, as people are whose consciences are clear."

Yup, that's her head up there on that stick.

Only one of her children survived the Revolution; Marie Therese, her eldest, was released from prison at the age of 17. She married a duke, but her marriage was miserable. She was extremely unhappy, and their marriage was never consummated. She lived a life of bitterness and regret, and she led most of her life away from her home in exile. However, in 1830, she technically achieved the title of Queen of France for about 20 minutes while her husband signed the abdication papers. She died in exile in 1851 at the age of 72;  in her last minutes, she forgave those who were responsible for the murder of her parents and siblings.

Marie Antoinette's legacy is incredibly mixed; most accounts view her as a villain who took advantage of her situation in life, creating the downfall of her nation. However, many modern historians view her as a victim of her situation, as a woman who truly did not know the repercussions of her actions. However you choose to look at her, it is undeniable that- in the words of Thomas Jefferson- "If there had been no queen, there would have been no revolution."

Maria Theresa: Tank

I believe this is about as accurate as any portrait of Her
Majesty.

Maria Theresa was born on May 13, 1717 as the eldest daughter of Holy Roman Emperor Charles VI and Empress Elizabeth. Her birth followed the death of their eldest, a beloved son who had died as a young child.

I can't decide if she was adorable or terrifying
as a baby. Maybe it's just the angle.

Fun fact: she was one of the few members of the European ruling class that were not hideously inbred because neither her parents nor her grandparents were closely related. Holla! Unfortunately, her birth was kind of a downer for her father because of her gender; all the guy wanted was a son (and Spain, but that's neither here nor there).

Maria Theresa was a cute, smart,
and relatively non-inbred girl.
Her contemporaries described her
as being physically fit,
strong of mind, and pretty
of visage. 

Her education was strange; schooled by Jesuits, she was a crackerjack Latin speaker/writer/reader, but her punctuation and formal speech were found lacking by her contemporaries. She loved singing and acting in plays and operas conducted by her father. She was also an excellent archer, which had little practical applicability but made her look pretty hardcore. Of course, she was also schooled in girly things like etiquette, drawing, and dancing.

From the age of 14 onwards, her father allowed her to sit in on meetings of the council; she apparently enjoyed this privilege, but her father refused to speak to her about matters of state.

After Maria Theresa, Empress Elizabeth gave birth to two more girls; by this point, the emperor had reached a full-blown panic. He needed a son to secure the line of succession; however, fate had other plans.

Once it became evident that the empress wasn't going to pop out a son anytime soon, Emperor Charles VI started making plans, beginning with the Pragmatic Sanction. This royal act overruled the Salic Law (which prohibited a woman from inheriting her kingdom from her father) and would allow Maria Theresa to take the throne after her father's death.

And then there was the whole marriage conundrum. This woman was set to inherit one of (if not the) largest and most profitable empires in the world. Who would be her husband? Even more importantly,  who had enough connections to take this fab lady's hand in marriage and few enough to warrant a power shift in Europe? If Europe hates one thing, it's an imbalance of power. A myriad of negotiations ensued, and eventually the courts and salons of Europe decided on a guy named Francis Stephen, the duke of Lorraine.

The happy couple.

Maria Theresa was lucky in this aspect- she got to marry for love. Their marriage is considered a a success (mostly because Francis backed off and let Maria Theresa do her thang); together, they had  SIXTEEN children- 5 sons and 11 daughters (one of whom being the infamous Marie Antoinette). Three of these children died in infancy. Despite the fact that Francis was unfaithful for much of their marriage, it is remembered as a happy one.

Yes, the veritable crowd in the background
consists only of her children.

Anyways, back to politics. Her father died in 1740, leaving 23-year-old Maria Theresa the throne. The subjects of her crown lands (Austrian duchies, Hungary, Bohemia, etc.) quickly accepted her as their ruler. The rest of Europe basically had a gigantic temper tantrum.

Under Frederick II (King of Prussia), the rest of Europe formed a coalition against the new empress of the Holy Roman Empire. Prussia invaded Silesia (an Austrian province) and claimed it for their own. Bavaria and France jumped in and attacked other Habsburg territories, resulting in a huge 8-year European conflict known as the War of Austrian Succession. Considering that the war began when Maria Theresa had only been queen for a month and a half (with little political experience), the Holy Roman Empire escaped the war relatively unscathed, although they did lose Silesia to Prussia and a couple Italian territories to France.

Once the war ended, Maria Theresa could finally focus on internal affairs. She centralized power from her territories, thus beefing up her army AND her pocketbook. She also steamrolled over several corrupt and defunct government functions, combining them into the centralized General Directory.

With newly increased revenue from her domestic reforms, Maria Theresa was able to strengthen defense efforts; despite the fact that it was peacetime, she knew that she needed to prepare for the inevitable war with Frederick II (you know, because he was kind of a warmongering jerk). She also managed to secure an alliance with her old enemy, France, by marrying off her young daughter, Maria Antonia (later known as Marie Antoinette) to the dauphin (the heir) of France. This keen move ticked off Frederick II, who had planned on counting France as an ally for his upcoming war. He fumed as Maria Theresa laughed from her sumptuous palace.

Frederick II decided to continue his warmongering ways and again waged war against the great empress. To her dying breath, Maria Theresa claimed that she would have gone into battle herself had she not been continuously pregnant. Becoming known as the Seven Years War, this conflict ended at the death of Empress Elisabeth of Russia (another kick-butt female monarch), one of Maria Theresa's greatest allies. When Elisabeth died, Russia withdrew. The war ended in a peace treaty in 1763.

Unfortunately, in 1765, tragedy struck. Maria Theresa's beloved husband, Francis, died. His death hit her so hard that she wore only black for the rest of her life as a sign of her mourning.

Two years later, Maria Theresa contracted smallpox from her daughter-in-law, Maria Josepha of Bavaria. She survived, but her daughter-in-law did not. Maria Theresa took one of her daughters (who also happened to be named Maria Josepha) to pray at the Imperial Crypt near the unsealed tomb of the deceased Maria Josepha. Maria Theresa's daughter contracted smallpox (most assume from the dead body of her sister-in-law) two days after and died; Maria Theresa believed it to be her fault and never forgave herself.

Maria Theresa is remembered as being an...interesting mother. Basically, if you were one of her favorite children, she allowed you to marry for love (i.e. Maria Cristina). If you weren't, you were a political pawn to be married to whomever best served Maria Theresa's interests at the time, even if you were miserable (i.e. all of her other children). She was a devoted yet highly critical mother; she wrote to her each of her children at least once a week. To some of the more disappointing children, she wrote even more often (i.e. Marie Antoinette, who she criticized for being "lazy," "frivolous," and seemingly "unable to conceive of a child."). This criticism wasn't exclusively given to Marie Antoinette; she reprimanded every single one of her daughters (even her favorite, Maria Cristina) for not being fertile enough.

After the death of her husband, her eldest son, Joseph II, became her co-regent. Unfortunately, the two clashed on nearly everything. She was highly conservative; he flirted with the ideals of the Enlightenment. They bickered and fought; both threatened to abdicate on numerous occasions. However, the rule of these two served as a transition period between the "old ways" of Maria Theresa and the "Enlightened" despotism of Joseph II after her death.

She died on November 28, 1780 at the age of 63. With her died the House of Habsburg, to be replaced by her son's House of Habsburg-Lorraine. Maria Theresa left behind a revitalized and stabilized empire that influenced Europe for the whole of the next century.

At her death, her full title was: (*deep breath*)

The burial crypt shared by Maria Theresa and
her beloved husband.

Maria Theresa, by the Grace of God, Dowager Empress of the Romans, Queen of Hungary, of Bohemia, of Dalmatia, of Croatia, of Slavonia, of Galicia, of Lodomeria, etc.; Archduchess of Austria; Duchess of Burgundy, of Styria, of Carinthia and of Carniola; Grand Princess of Transylvania; Margravine of Moravia; Duchess of Brabant, of Limburg, of Luxemburg, of Guelders, of Württemberg, of Upper and Lower Silesia, of Milan, of Mantua, of Parma, of Piacenza, of Guastalla, of Auschwitz and of Zator; Princess of Swabia; Princely Countess of Habsburg, of Flanders, of Tyrol, of Hainault, of Kyburg, of Gorizia and of Gradisca; Margravine of Burgau, of Upper and Lower Lusatia; Countess of Namur; Lady of the Wendish Mark and of Mechlin; Dowager Duchess of Lorraine and Bar, Dowager Grand Duchess of Tuscany.

Mary I: Bloody Mary

Once again, the term "Killing Machines" comes into play.

Remembered for being perpetually cranky and ill-suited to public life, Mary I ruled England for five years and was succeeded by her younger sister, Elizabeth, who turned out to be one of the greatest rulers of English history. Unfortunately, Mary's legacy isn't quite as reputable. Rather, her story is unhappy, dreary, and miserable.

Initially, Mary's childhood was perfect. She was the only child- a true princess- of King Henry VIII and his wife, Catherine of Aragon. She had everything a little girl could want (including several palaces, an unlimited budget, and a closet stuffed full of sparkly dresses). She was precocious in her education; by the age of nine, she could fluently speak, read, and write in English (her native tongue), Spanish (her mother's native tongue), French, Latin, and Greek. Everything was perfect- except one thing. Her father had no heir, Catherine was growing older, and Henry's eyes were wandering.

Henry VIII fell in love with Anne Boleyn, known as the "Great Whore" of England. Although he had had several affairs previously (and had several illegitimate children to prove it), Anne was an anomaly. She refused to sleep with Henry until he had married her, although not for any moral intentions, I can assure you. Above all else, this woman wanted to be queen. Unfortunately, England already had a queen, Mary's mother, Queen Catherine. Since Henry hadn't yet thought of killing off his current wife (emphasis on yet), he decided to divorce her. Unfortunately, the pope wouldn't annul the marriage for a number of political and religious reasons. Political disputes ensued, eventually leading to Henry's break from the Catholic Church. He declared himself head of the Church of England (creating Anglicanism), annulled his marriage to Catherine, sent her off to live in a dank castle in seclusion, and married Anne (who eventually became the mother of the aforementioned Elizabeth).

Catherine of Aragon (Mary's
mother/Henry's first wife)

Anne Boleyn (The "Great Whore"/
Henry's second wife/mother of Elizabeth)

Of course, this whole shebang took its toll on Mary. Just reaching her teenage years, Mary was demoted from "Princess Mary" to "Lady Mary." Her household, servants, home, and titles (in short, everything and everyone she had ever known) were dissolved. Everything she had previously laid claim to became Elizabeth's, her new half sister. Naturally, Mary hated Anne Boleyn with a burning passion. After all, this was the woman who had stolen her mother, her legitimacy- her life- away from her. Anne treated Mary horribly, forcing her to act as a servant to her infant daughter, Elizabeth. She put Mary in the worst living quarters, resulting in frequent ill health, and refused to allow Mary to see her mother, even as Catherine laid on her deathbed. Imagine- being a teenager, knowing that your mother was dying alone, and being unable to help or be with her. Excruciating. According to reports, upon hearing the news of her mother's death, Mary burst into tears and remained "inconsolable" for days.

Young Mary

Despite these challenges, Mary rebelled in her own ways. She took after her Spanish mother in being an extremely devout Roman Catholic. She refused to acknowledge her father (you know, one of the most powerful men in the world) as the supreme head of the Church. She also refused to address Anne as queen or Elizabeth as princess, further inciting Henry's anger. Mary and her father did not speak for three years. Following Anne's fall from power and execution, the relationship between Mary and Henry resumed, thanks to Henry's new wife, Jane Seymour. Jane is remembered for being the kindest of Henry's wives and convinced Henry to reinstate Mary (and the newly illegitimate toddler, Elizabeth) as princesses. Despite Mary's attempts to keep with her conscience, she was forced to sign a document recognizing three themes: 1) Henry as head of the Church rather than the pope, 2) The illegitimacy of Henry and Catherine's marriage, and 3) Her own illegitimacy. In reconciling with her father, Mary remained "Lady Mary" but reclaimed a place at court, complete with a household of her own.

Henry VIII (D-bag with six wives
and nice calves)

Unfortunately, this somewhat happier time didn't last; Queen Jane died after the birth of her son, Edward. Finally, the heir and prince Henry had desired for so long. However, the kindness of Jane's era was gone. In 1541, following a Catholic rebellion, Henry executed the Countess of Salisbury, Mary's old governess and godmother, under the pretext that she had been involved in the plot. The executioner (a "wretched and blundering youth") is reported to have "literally hacked her head and shoulders to pieces." Mary was forced to watch the whole miserable affair.
Two wives later (one of whom was seven years younger than Mary), Henry married his sixth and final wife, Catherine Parr. She was kind and managed to bring the family together before Henry's death in 1547.

Ten-year-old Edward was crowned king. Although young, Edward was strong in his Protestant convictions. Mary repeatedly refused Edward's attempts to convert her to Protestantism (often illegally holding Mass in her estate) and mainly stayed out of his way. He died in 1553 at the age of 15 of a lung disease resembling tuberculosis.

This is where tensions begin to heat up.

Mary, being the daughter of Henry VIII, should have been next in line for the throne; instead, Lady Jane Grey (who had a distant claim to the crown) was given the throne for two reasons: She was Protestant, and she could be used as a puppet (especially for her pushy in-laws).

Mary had a lot of support from the people of England; she used this influence to stir up a Catholic rebellion of sorts and successfully depose and behead Lady (now Queen) Jane, who had only been queen for nine days.

The "merciful" beheading of Lady Jane Grey

Mary was crowned queen in 1553. Unfortunately, her reign released a lot of the pent-up anger she had contained for decades. Most of her rage was targeted towards non-Catholics, and she burned over  280 Protestant heretics at the stake during her five-year reign. Some 800 wealthy Protestants chose exile over being burned alive (a no-brainer) and moved abroad. Those "heretics" were those who refused to abandon Protestantism (including ex-Queen Jane).

Public opinion of Mary did a complete 180 degree flip. She went from being the princess of the people to a hated ruler. I mean, killing off tons of people for their faith isn't really endearing to the common man. Not to mention the religious turmoil of previous monarchs- having to switch from being Catholic for centuries before Henry VIII's little temper tantrum to being Protestant in name only (keeping basically all Catholic traditions) for the last half of Henry's reign to super-duper-actual Protestant under Edward and Jane AND THEN BACK TO SUPER-DUPER CATHOLIC UNDER THREAT OF DEATH FROM MARY. (Spoiler- they go back to being mildly Protestant under Elizabeth, but there's less fighting between Catholics and Protestants because of her kick-butt compromise)

Mary also made an extremely unpopular mistake- Not only did she marry a militant Catholic, but she married a Spanish militant Catholic. Also, his name was Philip, and that made a lot of people uncomfortable. England and Spain have never been particularly sympatico, but this just pushed the English people over the edge.

Philip II. Dem calves.

*FUN DEFINITION TIME BREAK*

Militant Catholicism was a phenomenon that occurred when radical Catholic believers overthrew ruling Protestant leaders and doctrines OR when "Catholic" leaders used Catholicism to justify inhumane acts against other human beings.
(In other words, it's got a lot to do with politics and barely anything to do with actual Catholicism.)

*END FUN DEFINITION TIME BREAK*

So yeah, Prince Philip of Spain became Mary's consort (not king). The two of them attempted to re-establish Catholicism as the religion of the masses through violence and brutality. To a certain extent, it worked, but it also earned them the absolute hatred of the people.

Yeah, this marriage never should have happened.

A minor speed bump occurred when Mary stopped menstruating in 1554. She gained weight, she got nauseous, and she exhibited all other symptoms of pregnancy. However, nine months later, no baby came. The symptoms ceased after a year of "pregnancy." Mary considered this false pregnancy a punishment from God for being too merciful to the aforementioned heretics and fell into a deep depression.

Her marriage suffered; she was deeply in love with Philip, but he wasn't all that into her. She was significantly older than him, cranky, and not all that attractive. In fact, it is reported that Philip was infatuated with Elizabeth. Mary already hated Elizabeth because she continued to practice Protestantism (not to mention the whole incident with their mothers), but the fact that her beloved husband was actively rooting for her death so that he could marry her baby sister was too much.

Mary finally died in 1558 after yet another false pregnancy. Before her death, she was forced to accept Elizabeth as her rightful heir. Philip did pursue Elizabeth as a wife, but Elizabeth was grossed out and refused, as she did with all her suitors.

She is remembered as Bloody Mary, a cruel and intolerant woman who killed great numbers of her own people. However, she was a woman who bore the scars of a battered and broken childhood, and it would be unfair not to take this aspect of her life into consideration.

Jahanara: Empress of Princesses

In an era in which women of her station were forced to hide behind walls (literally), the intelligence and absolute butt-kicking talent of this princess of the Mughal Empire stood out from the rest.



Also, her parents have the cutest dang love story of ever. So Imma tell it to you, even though it's not necessarily relevant. BEGIN. So, back in those days in India, the women of the court stayed in seclusion. Once a year, during a court festival called the Nine Days' Bazaar, the women of the harem came out (albeit heavily veiled) and ran the stalls at the bazaar, selling cutsy things like turbans and instruments. One of these little ladies was named Arjumand; she was the niece of the empress and a total catch. The prince of India named Khurram happened to be walking past her stall, and it was love at first sight. Even though he already had two wives (one was cranky and mean, and the other was a pretty chill Hindu chick), Arjumand was always his favorite wife.


Lookit how cute they are! I ship it.


So, getting back to something relevant- The emperor at the time (Jahanara's grandpa) was pretty senile, and his wife, Nur Jahan, pretty much controlled everything. This would've been all fine and dandy if Nur Jahan had been a decent human being. But nope, no such luck. A family rebellion exploded, Prince Khurram was exiled to the Deccan, his two eldest sons were kidnapped by the vile Nur Jahan, yada yada yada- and that's where our dear princess was born. Jahanara grew up as a super-mega-ultra posh nomad with her parents (and stepmamas) and siblings. She and her family moved around the Deccan, which was pretty much a wasteland (think the Indian version of Indiana, except with less agriculture). They lived in gigantic tents, drank from gold goblets, and had the finest clothes.

This all changed when her incredibly senile grandfather died died in October of 1627. As next in line to the throne, Khurram took the opportunity to move his family to the royal compounds at Fatehpur Sikri.
A legend claims that Khurram faked his own death by drinking goat's blood and spitting it up very graphically- basically faking his own death to make it seem like he wasn't a threat to the throne. Only his closest accomplices, including Arjumand, knew he still lived. Jahanara had to grieve for a few days, believing her dear father was dead. However, when the entourage reached the palace at Fatehpur Sikri, Khurram literally stood up from the funeral pyre and declared himself emperor of the entire Mughal Empire. Pretty cray, right?

He ordered all other competitors to the throne- including his own brother- executed, had Nur Jahan brought to his palace to be watched since she was one dangerous granny, and set about to restore the royal compounds. He became Shah Jahan, meaning "king of the world." His beautiful wife Arjumand became Mumtaz Mahal, which can be roughly translated as "crown beauty of the palace", and Jahanara inherited the prestigious title of Begum Sahib, Princess of Princesses. In other words, she became one of the most powerful women at court at the age of 14.

From this point on, Jahanara lived a life of complete luxury. Her rooms (which can still be seen today, although with slightly less splendor) were literally bejeweled. Rubies, sapphires, emeralds, and diamonds were quite literally built into the walls to create large flower designs. Tons of precious jewels were set into the marble floors and even into her own gigantic swimming pool in order to refract light underwater in an aesthetically pleasing way.


The doorway to Jahanara's room. In her day, each crevice on the wall would be filled with an individually carved jewel.


The palace of Fatehpur Sikri today.

Jahanara had the opportunity to be educated extremely well, especially in comparison with her European counterparts. She became a skilled poet, painter, architect, mathematician, philosopher, and engineer.

Unfortunately, in 1631, Jahanara's mother- Shah Jahan's most beloved wife, Mumtaz Mahal- died giving birth to her fourteenth child. It's madness. Fourteen dang kids. With no anesthetic. Mad respect for that woman.



Shah Jahan completely shut down after the death of his wife. The entire court went into mourning for what seemed like ages. He built the entire Taj Mahal as a final resting place for his wife; Jahanara actually helped with its design. Legend has it that Shah Jahan ordered that the hands of the builders were to be cut off so that they would never again be able to create something as beautiful. Weirdly sweet, huh?



As her father's favorite daughter, Jahanara pretty much singlehandedly pulled her father out of a deep depression and ruled by his side as the uncrowned empress of India. At one point, while attending a garden party, her heavily perfumed clothing caught on fire, burning her badly. Her father nursed her back to health, although it took months to do so.

Her father fell ill, and four brothers (three good, one bad) fought each other for the throne. Of course, by a cruel twist of fate, the one bad egg out of the bunch triumphed. His name was Aurangzeb, and he was a despotic, chauvinistic, and bigoted d-bag. He murdered two of his brothers (the third one fled and died of mysterious causes) and imprisoned his dying father (granted, he imprisoned him in a lavish palace, so it wasn't so bad). Jahanara cared for Shah Jahan in his dying hours.

Aurangzeb's reign was problematic, to say the least. Harem women were even more secluded than before, and Christians, Hindus, and any other non-Muslim individuals were tortured and persecuted.


What a dirtbag.

However, Jahanara was allowed certain privileges. She became the Padishah Begum-"Empress of Princesses"- under Aurangzeb's orders. With this title, Jahanara was permitted to disobey Aurangzeb's laws and criticize him. She blatantly wore clothing that women were no longer allowed to wear, refused to stay behind the screens of the harem, and embraced Hindus and Christians as her equals.

No one truly knows what Jahanara did in her final years. She did leave the royal palaces, lived in Delhi for the rest of her life, and commissioned several large and ornate structures, many of which still survive today. She never married, in accordance with the law of her forefathers- Mughal princesses were never allowed to wed. She composed many poems, painted, and continued the work of her parents in an artistic and architectural sense. 

Jahanara died at the age of 67 in 1681. She had few personal possessions (you know, besides some clothes and extremely rare, prized jewels), which were left to her beloved niece. Aurangzeb ruled for another 26 years and is remembered for his cruelty, inhumanity, and bigotry. Jahanara, on the other hand, is still remembered by her people as a woman who had many powers in a time when women had few freedoms. 

Cleopatra: Snakes and Inbreeding

We've all heard of the great Cleopatra, but how much of what we've heard is true?

The woman's been portrayed for centuries in just about every medium possible (and with just about every face possible, too). She's been blonde, brunette, green-eyed, brown-eyed, African, Greek, frumpy, and sexy. Who really was she?


Scholars still debate what she looked like. Some justify a blonde-haired, blue-eyed aesthetic with her strong Macedonian ancestry. Others claim that she looked similar to Egyptians of the day with tanned skin and dark hair and eyes.

Cleopatra VII was born in 69 BC and died in 30 BC. Little is known about her early years. She was born to Ptolemy XII Neos Dionysos (quite the name, I know), who ruled Egypt from 80 BC until his death in 51 BC. He was a raging alcoholic (hence his dedication to Dionysos, the god of wine, and his nickname, Aelutes, because he pulled out flutes and played whenever he got hammered) and a mediocre statesman. The identity of her mother is not known for certain, but most historians agree that she was Cleopatra Tryphaena V, one of Ptolemy's wives. Who also happened to be his sister. So yeah, inbreeding.

Cleopatra had several siblings, each slightly treacherous in their own way. Cleopatra's eldest sibling was also her name buddy- Cleopatra Tryphaena VI. She siezed the throne while her father was visiting Rome and ruled Egypt in his absence from 58 to 57 BC. She was murdered by her father's supporters. The second daughter of Ptolemy XII, Berenice, took control of Egypt after her elder sister's death; she, too, was killed on her father's orders. Cleopatra Philopator VII (the important one) became queen at age 18; she was smart enough to wait until her father keeled over of old age before taking the throne. Good job, Cleo. Following Ptolemaic dynastic law, Cleopatra married her younger brother, Ptolemy XIII, and ruled jointly with him. As a tween, this guy ordered the execution of Pompey the Great. He eventually drowned in the Nile from the weight of his golden breastplate during a battle against Caesar. Cleopatra then went on to wed her youngest brother, Ptolemy XIV (seriously, these guys had problems choosing baby names). He died suddenly (accidentally?), which allowed Cleopatra to rule jointly with her three-year-old son (who also happened to be the son of Caesar, an affair we'll discuss later), whose name was- big surprise here- Ptolemy XV, also called Caesarion ("Little Caesar"). During this time, Cleopatra also had her little sister, Arsinoe, imprisoned and sent to Rome, where she was paraded through the streets in chains and murdered; this action secured Cleopatra's claim to the throne.

Seriously, though. Even their names were inbred. (#sorrynotsorry)

Cleopatra was pretty dang cool for several reasons, one of which being her talent in linguistics. She spoke at least nine languages fluently, including Egyptian. Believe it or not, Cleo was the first ruler in the entire Ptolemaic DYNASTY to learn the language of her people. As you can probably imagine, this made her more popular with the commoners, who saw her as the human incarnation of the goddess Isis.

Plutarch, one of the great biographers of antiquity, wrote, "It was a pleasure to hear the sound of her voice, with which, like an instrument of many strings, she could pass from one language to another, so that there were few of the barbarian nations that she answered by an interpreter; to most of them she spoke herself, as to the Ethiopians, Troglodytes, Hebrews, Arabians, Syrians, Medes, Parthians, and many others whose language she had learnt." In short, she could conduct business and treaties with other nations WITH NO INTERPRETER, THEREFORE REDUCING THE CHANCE THAT SHE AND/OR THE ENTIRETY OF FREAKING EGYPT COULD BE TRICKED OR TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BY A FOREIGN ENTITY. HOLLA. Plus, her people actually liked her. Suck it, Caesar! 

Now, onto her infamous love affairs! 

Some background info: Julius Caesar was a Roman statesman and general who helped turn Rome from a republic to a gigantic empire. In other words, he was one of the most powerful men on the entire planet at the time. When he and Cleopatra met, he was in his early fifties, and she was only 21. Their story is an odd one; she basically rolled herself up into a giant carpet and had herself delivered to his room. Nine months later, Cleopatra gave birth to their son. 

Marc Antony, a good friend of Julius Caesar, also happened to be smitten with Cleopatra. They ended up having twins, Alexander Helios and Cleopatra Selene II (yes, another freaking Cleopatra). Marc Antony and Cleopatra married in the Egyptian rite, despite the fact that he already had a couple wives, one of whom, Octavia,  happened to be the sister of Octavian....who happened to also be known as Augustus...the Emperor of Rome. Anyways, when he ditched the Roman chick Octavia, he also ditched his alliance with her brother, the emperor. 

In short, Marc Antony's armies deserted him for Emperor Augustus, Cleopatra felt bad, she sent messengers to tell him that she was dead, he stabbed himself out of grief, Cleo dragged him up to her room, tore her clothes, engaged in self-mutilation, etc. His dying wish was to have a glass of wine, and he died upon finishing it. Cleopatra then committed suicide. Although other theories do exist, the most popular theory is that she allowed an Egyptian cobra to bite her on the breast, dying at the age of 39.

Her son by Caesar, Caesarian, was murdered by Emperor Augustus. In a strange twist of fate, Cleopatra's other three children (all fathered by Marc Antony) were sent to Rome to be raised by Octavia, Marc Antony's ex. Both boys- Alexander and Ptolemy- disappeared under mysterious circumstances, but their sister managed to survive and marry King Juba II of Mauretania, bearing him two children, Drusilla and yet another Ptolemy.

Cool connection time: Some accounts show that Drusilla (Cleopatra's granddaughter) married a dude named Marcus Antonius Felix, the Roman governor of Judea. While in court, she and her husband listened to the testimony of the Apostle Paul, who was on trial for his belief in Jesus Christ (Acts 24:24). SO COOL, RIGHT?! 

Also, after Cleopatra's suicide, Octavian (AKA Emperor Augustus) appointed himself Egypt's new pharaoh. Thirty years later, he became linked with the birth of Jesus Christ as recorded in the Bible: "In those days, Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world" (Luke 1:2). EVERYTHING'S CONNECTED.

Sometimes I can't even. I just can't. TOO MUCH. If you're not hyperventilating and/or jumping around the room right now, you're not as excited as you should be about history. 

So yeah, Cleopatra. Pretty cool, am I right?