A Pirate's Life for Me: Anne Bonny and Mary Read

We've all heard of pirates- Captain Kidd, Blackbeard, Captain Jack Sparrow, etc. Heck, theres even an option to have Facebook be presented in pirate-speak. But how many of us know the stories of female pirates? There are two that stand out as the most bloodthirsty and hardcore pirates of history- Anne Bonny and Mary Read.

Anne Bonny was an Irish chick from Cork; she was the illegitimate child of a lawyer and his housemaid. At a very young age, she immigrated to America (specifically, a plantation near Charleston, SC) with her family in the late 1600s. As a young woman, she was known to be quite unladylike. She apparently had a "fierce and courageous temper" and fell in love with a young rebel named James Bonny. They married against her father's wishes, and James took her to a well-known pirate's lair in New Providence in the Bahamas (quite the honeymoon). They were quite happy until 1718 when the royal governor offered a King's pardon to any pirate, and Anne's husband became an informant. Needless to say, Anne was not impressed by this display of cowardice and ditched him somewhere south of the equator. 

Anne then met and fell in love with Captain Jack Rackham (also known as Calico Jack). She disguised herself as a male and sailed the high seas to be with him (and also to prey on Spanish ships heading to Cuba and Hispaniola, but that would ruin the romance). She became pregnant with Jack's child and took a quick break from pillaging. As soon as the baby was born, it was left with friends in Cuba while Anne rejoined Jack on their pirate ship, Vanity.

Anne's loverboy. 

Mary Read was born in Plymouth, England around 1690. Before her birth, her father, a sailor, was lost at sea, never to be heard from again. Her mother never truly believed that her husband was dead, but since she needed a way to support herself and her child, she decided to go to her mother-in-law. Apparently, Mary's grandmother hated girls, so her mom dressed her up like a boy to secure funding. It worked- Mary's mother got a crown a week from her mother-in-law, who was under the impression that she had a grandson rather than a granddaughter. Most reports claim that Mary continued to dress like a man even after the death of her grandmother. 

As a teenager, Mary got herself a job as a footboy (still pretending to be a dude) to some French lady. However, she got bored of this job quickly and quit, only to enter a more adventurous profession- the army. She became a foot soldier and was quickly promoted to a horse regiment, receiving distinction in both. However, this ruse ended when she fell in love with a fellow soldier. She revealed her true gender to him and began dressing as a female once more. After their marriage, they owned an inn in Holland until his early death. She quickly became penniless. She came to a remarkable decision; she knew that life in the 1700s was better as a man than as a woman, so she reverted back into her cross-dressing ways and restarted her life as a sailor on a Dutch merchant ship heading towards the Caribbean. On the way, the ship was taken by English pirates. She joined and pillaged with them until they accepted the King's pardon. The ex-pirates turned into privateers and continued sailing the Caribbean until their ship was taken over by pirates on the ship Vanity (remember that one?). The rest of the privateers were either killed or shipped off, but Mary (having gotten bored with a legitimate trade) decided to turn pirate once more. This point is the beginning of the epic friendship between Mary Read and Anne Bonny. They were basically pirate bffl. Despite her tough exterior, Mary found love on the ship and actually saved his life by killing his opponent in a sword fight before the duel could actually occur. Hardcore.

Known as "fierce hell cats," everyone on board knew how bloodthirsty and ferocious these two she-pirates were. In late October 1720, their ship was anchored at a Jamaican harbor when a British Navy sloop found them. The pirates had been celebrating their recent prizes by drinking copious amounts of alcohol, so everyone but the two women was extremely drunk. The men, seeing the British ship, all hid beneath deck. The two women refused to hide, determined to defend their ship. Despite their attempts to get the men on deck to fight, the men refused. The two apparently flew into a rage, killing one of their own men and wounding several others. Mary and Anne went back on deck and fought the entire British regiment on their own. They lasted for a surprising amount of time, but they were eventually captured. The entire crew stood trial in Jamaica; everyone but the two women were sentenced to hang, including Mary's and Anne's beaus. Anne was allowed to visit her lover, Captain Jack, in his cell before he hung. Her only words to him were, "Had you fought like a man, you need not have been hang'd like a dog."

Mary and Anne were tried a week after the death of their shipmates. They both "pleaded their bellies" (essentially, since they were both pregnant, they couldn't be executed under British law). Reports after this point are mixed. It's said that Mary died of a violent fever in prison before the birth of her child, but some say that the faked her death and snuck out of the prison that way. As for Anne, no records of her execution have ever been found. Some say that her wealthy father paid for her to be let out of prison, and she lived quietly somewhere in the Caribbean until her death. Others say that she went to England and opened up a tavern, entertaining customers with tales of her exploits. Some claim that Mary and Anne managed to get out of prison on their own terms and met back up in Louisiana, where they raised their kids together and remained friends until their deaths.

Fun fact: These two were the only two female pirates known to have pillaged the Western Hemisphere! 

Marie Antoinette: Let Them Eat Cake?

Ah, Marie Antoinette. Last queen of France, gratuitous spender, fake shepherdess, scapegoat for the French Revolution, etc.

Born as the fifteenth child of Emperor Francis I (who enjoyed watching plays rather than ruling) and Empress Maria Theresa (who wore the pants in both her relationship and in her nation), Maria Antonia Josepha Johanna was born on November 2, 1755. She had a pretty chill childhood; she had nice tutors, a ton of siblings to play with, indulgent governesses, and a couple incredibly opulent palaces to call her own.

Bb Maria Antonia. The cutest
dang bobblehead.

As a child, Maria Antonia had many more freedoms than other royal children in Europe. She and her siblings were allowed to leave the palaces, spend time outside, dress in normal bourgeois attire (rather than the over-the-top outfits of other European nations *cough* France *cough*), and associate with non-royal children.

Maria Antonia (she didn't morph into Marie Antoinette until after she married the French dude) was educated, but she lacked a truly rounded education. She was educated in religion, moral principles, languages, and music. She never learned about the economy, politics, or foreign policy. In short, she had pretty handwriting and could play the harpsichord, but she had no clue how to rule a nation.

FUN FACT TIME! Certain historians claim that a 13-year-old Maria Antonia had the opportunity to meet and be an audience to the young Mozart. Pretty cool, ja?

Her mother, Maria Theresa (previously posted about here) had a habit in which she married off her children to strangers to solidify political alliances. Marie Antoinette was no exception; after the end of the Seven Years War, Maria Theresa needed a way to preserve the shaky peace between her nation (Austria/Holy Roman Empire) and France. Maria Antonia was her solution. At the tender age of 14, Maria Antonia married Louis-Auguste, the French dauphin (heir to the throne).

This portrait of Maria Antonia
was sent to France during
marriage negotiations.
(All 13-year-olds apparently look like this.)

MORE FUN FACTS! During marriage negotiations, French diplomats protested Maria Antonia's "crooked teeth," resulting in three months worth of oral surgery without anesthetic. The end result proved satisfactory, and marriage negotiations continued.

Maria Antonia said her final good-byes to her family, friends, and home on April 21, 1770. On May 7, she and her entourage reached the Rhine, the border between Austria and France. A strange and tragic tradition ensued. After reaching the border, Maria Antonia shed her Austrian clothes, her Austrian name, and her Austrian servants. She would never return to her homeland, and she had nothing to remind her of her home (the reasoning for which was that she had found a new home).

Maria Antonia became Marie Antoinette, and this new woman could only wear French fashions, only speak French, and only be accompanied by French maids.

Versailles. 

Before reaching her future home at Versailles, Marie Antoinette met Louis-Auguste for the first time. In short, she was way out of his league, and he was more interested in locksmithing than in her. They were technically already married (by proxy), but they had their ceremonial wedding- a gigantic, ornate ordeal that lasted several hours- on Mary 16th.

This is where things start to get uncomfortable for us all.

In the French court, it was customary and expected for the nobility to watch every part of the royal family's life- the king, the dauphin, and his new wife were quite literally never alone. Every moment of their life (from going to the bathroom to getting dressed in the morning) was watched by an actual audience of pompous, over-dressed snobs judging their every move. This custom included the wedding night. To say the least, the barely-more-than-tweens failed to consummate their marriage on the first night, much to the disappointment of the entire court. The poor kids could literally hear the sighs of disappointment from the crowd as they drifted off to sleep.

See that little fence thing? Yeah, that's to keep the crowd
from getting too close to the dauphin and dauphine.
Basically the 18th-century version of caution tape.

Luckily, this minor setback (well, actually it was a decidedly major setback), Marie Antoinette was received incredibly well by the people of France. Her first official appearance to the people three years after her arrival in France drew a crowd of over 50,000. I mean, she was young, spoke prettily, and was incredibly beautiful- she had smooth, porcelain skin, light blue eyes, and naturally straw-blonde hair. She had nice manners and was quite naive. However, the match was not quite as popular with the nobility, especially with those of the older generation. These courtiers had spent years hating Austria (because, ya know, they'd been fighting each other for decades) and obviously weren't all that crazy about having a spoiled Austrian archduchess as their future queen. Mesdames, the daughters of the current king, even called her Austrichienne, which essentially mashes together the French words for "Austrian" and "female dog." (So basically they called her the Austrian bitch. Pardon my French. GET IT? I am pun master today.)

Marie Antoinette had other problems to deal with; her mother wrote her letters regularly to criticize how few nights her daughter spent with her new husband and her inability to "inspire passion" in Louis-Auguste, who was more interested in hunting than in his new wife. As if that wasn't awkward enough, her mother received regular reports from the Austrian diplomat, Mercy-d'Argenteau, about Marie Antoinette's every move- who she talked to, when she went to bed, what she ate, what she wore, if she slept with her husband, etc. With her mother playing the role of Big Brother in her life and the lack of interest from her husband, it isn't surprising that Marie began to spend more money on gambling and clothing.

King Louis XV got smallpox and died on May 10, 1774. Louis-Auguste and Marie Antoinette were crowned king and queen of France on June 11 of the following year.

The whole having-no-kids-because-we-still-haven't-done-it thing got old real fast to the rest of France. Rumors began to spread- the king being impotent, the queen's fictitious extramarital affairs with men and women. These personal attacks caused the new queen to spiral ever further into a life of gambling and excessive spending. One account claims that the queen gambled for three days straight.

The whole problem with Louis-Auguste and Marie Antoinette's marriage was simply that their personalities were completely different. He was introverted, shy, and liked to get to sleep before midnight. She was extroverted, vibrant, and loved nothing more than staying up until dawn gambling with scheming courtiers. In 1777, Marie Antoinette's mother found out that she and her husband- now married for seven years- had yet to consummate their marriage. She dispatched her oldest son and co-ruler of the Holy Roman Empire, Joseph II, to go work as a kind of marriage counselor. Whatever Joe did worked; a year later, Marie Antoinette gave birth to a daughter, Marie Therese Charlotte.

Marie Antoinette with her
children and half the feathers
of a full-grown ostrich
 sticking out of her hat.

Marie Antoinette also created a haven for herself in the Petit Trianon, a small compound on the grounds of Versailles. She modeled the small chateau after what she thought peasant life was like- cute houses, adorable baby lambs, frilly dresses, flowers, swings, and all the free time in the world to enjoy the fresh air and pretend to be a shepherdess. So yeah, her perception of life as a peasant was a little off; she forgot disease, rampant starvation, and the fact that the lives of the peasants sucked so much that they had a revolution. But hey, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Apparently the standard of living for all French peasants.

During the 1780s, the French harvest was particularly awful, leading to obnoxiously high food prices; this fact paired with the whole of the French government sliding into financial hell pretty much made life a living hell for the people of France. Not only were they starving to death, but their queen was seemingly turning a blind eye to their strife while wearing fourteen pounds of gold jewelry and a funny hat. This is where the phrase, "Let them eat cake" comes into play. Although it turned out just to be a rumor propagated by revolutionaries, certain sources claimed that in reaction to hearing that her people had no bread to eat, Marie Antoinette's only response was, "Let them eat cake." She never actually said it, but hey- who am I to ignore the orders of the queen? (*shoves face into a plate of cake*)

In 1785, the Diamond Necklace Scandal basically sealed the queen's fate. A thief posing as Marie Antoinette purchased a necklace containing 647 priceless diamonds and smuggled it off to England, leaving the bill to the people of France. Although the queen wasn't actually involved, she was still guilty in the eyes of the people.

On July 14, 1789, French workers and peasants stormed the Bastille, marking the beginning of the French Revolution. On October 6 of the same year, a mob of 10,000 gathered outside Versailles and demanded that the royal family be brought to Paris; the royal family obeyed. In their palace in Paris, the ever-mediocre Louis XVI was basically paralyzed with fear while Marie Antoinette took over, sending letters to everyone of importance in Europe, begging them for help to restore the monarchy in France.

The Storming of the Bastille

After several long and confusing years of revolution, Louis XVI was dragged to the guillotine and beheaded on January 21, 1793. On October 16, Marie Antoinette followed her husband, beheaded at the guillotine after being found guilty of treason, theft, and a rather disturbing (and incredibly false) allegation of sexual abuse against her own son. She was only 39. The night before her execution, she wrote to her sister-in-law, "I am calm, as people are whose consciences are clear."

Yup, that's her head up there on that stick.

Only one of her children survived the Revolution; Marie Therese, her eldest, was released from prison at the age of 17. She married a duke, but her marriage was miserable. She was extremely unhappy, and their marriage was never consummated. She lived a life of bitterness and regret, and she led most of her life away from her home in exile. However, in 1830, she technically achieved the title of Queen of France for about 20 minutes while her husband signed the abdication papers. She died in exile in 1851 at the age of 72;  in her last minutes, she forgave those who were responsible for the murder of her parents and siblings.

Marie Antoinette's legacy is incredibly mixed; most accounts view her as a villain who took advantage of her situation in life, creating the downfall of her nation. However, many modern historians view her as a victim of her situation, as a woman who truly did not know the repercussions of her actions. However you choose to look at her, it is undeniable that- in the words of Thomas Jefferson- "If there had been no queen, there would have been no revolution."